Worthful

The Free Dictionary describes ‘worthful’ as

worthful – having worth or merit or value; “a valuable friend”; “a good and worthful man” valuable
worthy – having worth or merit or value; being honorable or admirable; “a worthy fellow”; “a worthy cause”

I was spending a few hours with Ruf in a London hotel after a party. We woke having had very little sleep, but he proceeded to snuggle up to me and tell me how much he loved me. This went on for the best part of ten minutes, at which point, he stopped and said: ‘Do I tell you I love you too much?’

I paused for a moment and considered: ‘No, telling me how much you care about me makes me feel… worthy… but that’s not the right word. It’s how you make me feel about me, about what’s inside me‘

‘Worthful,’ he replied.

We giggled, because it sounded like another of Ruf’s made-up vocabulary. Except that you can have mirthful, so why would worthful be any different.

His constant positive affirmations fight the protestations of Little Voice that I am not good enough.

And, if someone as well-respected and well-loved as Ruf can love me like that, then I must be.

It’s not that I am relying on someone else’s validation, just allowing it to confirm the positivity inside me.

For too many years, Little Voice has done me down and beaten me into submission.

Suddenly, with the foundation of Ruf’s love to build upon, the worm is turning and my recovery from anorexia begins to look so much more certain.

Naturally, we then made love. Quietly to the accompaniment of the thorough cleaning of the passage beyond the paper-thin walls.

His ability to make me relaxed enough to climax, despite such extraneous distractions, always amazes me… as does his energy. He pumps away enthusiastically whilst I receive, still half asleep and just let the waves overtake me.

I am worthful.