Why Can't I Orgasm?

Sex researcher Shere Hite concluded that 70% of US women could not experience orgasm from intercourse and Alfred Kinsey’s data suggested that up to 50% of US women were not able to achieve orgasm at all.

At the time of those two reports, sex was not the be all and end all that it seems to be today. It was important, it made a difference to a relationship but it was something that the couple concerned tended to gloss over. Members of polite society did not wish to dirty their mouths by discussing the problems that might be occurring behind their closed bedroom door… even with the person concerned.

These days, of course, sex is paramount. It sells books, newspapers, films and televisions shows. Just look at the increased viewing figures for a British history series received by the sexed-up version of The Tudors. Every magazine will have not only an advice column but numerous articles spread over the year on how to have better sex, how to give your man/lady a better experience in bed. How to be the guy/woman that no one leaves because they’re so good in the sack.

And with such importance comes pressure to perform – for both genders.

The inability to cut it when it comes to the crunch can be due to a variety of mental and physical factors – all of which need to be addressed by an understanding partner within the context of a loving and blame-free relationship.

But it is also vital that some personal homework is undertaken and masturbation is key.

For men, if you can come by your own hand, then there is no reason that you shouldn’t be able to do so with someone else’s. You need to experiment with the mental stimulations that precipitate the pleasure and try to utilise those triggers when you’re with a partner.

For us ladies, my advice comes from pleasant experience. It was more from luck than judgement that I began indulging in masturbation. I had always thought it rather a dirty hobby and was too prissy and full of body dysmorphia to engage. However, it was an electric toothbrush that got me going – after a rather stuttering initiation – and my continuing investigation of Kegel devices has improved my vagina’s ability to both contribute to and experience the joy of fruition.

And, since then, I have continued to research and discover the enormous variety of ways in which I can pleasure my body – the different types and sensations of climax. There are so many different techniques and styles of stimulation that, if a woman does not have the knowledge to guide her partner, it could take a long time for him to find the one which works for her. That’s not to say that you should not let a chap have his head whilst down there but, if after an hour, nothing is happening, then he needs some gentle instruction to ensure that the proceedings do not end in an embarrassing and frustrating disaster.

Having said that, in his book ‘The 4 Hour Body’ and the famous chapter on ‘The 15 Minute Orgasm‘ Tim Ferriss states that “most women define orgasm as not gratifying. It’s an all or nothing pressure that prevents the very phenomenon you are after. Orgasm is when there is no resistance – no physical or emotional blocking – to a single point of contact between one finger and the clitoris. This state naturally leads to the involuntary contractions and flushing that most associate with the word orgasm.”

So, not only does the technique have to be right, so does the mindset. A bit like meditating in yoga. You have to disengage your mind and stop thinking about tomorrow night’s supper or the report that you have to write before tomorrow morning. But you should also focus on the journey, not fixate about the end point.

A man cannot make a woman orgasm, he can only help you to do it yourself. This means that you have to set aside time and be mentally and physically in the right state to let it happen.

And, my final tip. Don’t stiffen or arch your body and your neck when you start to feel the energy take you.

Relax and let the juices flow rather than trying to force the issue.