If you read a lot of blogs on the internet, you start to understand that there are a lot of very unhappy people out there, all remaining in marriages that are either in stasis or, actually, physically dead.
Quite often those people are just too timid to call a spade a spade and admit that the relationship has had its day.
Men, particularly, seem content to keep plodding on until the very bitter end and seem totally surprised when their wife sits them down and requests a divorce.
I was listening to Kerrang! on Sunday as I drove back from a particularly spectacular week spent with my lover, Ruf. The two male presenters had some statistics that showed that more divorces were initiated by the wife and they seemed to be saying that men were just too lazy or set in their ways to do anything about the declining quality of a relationship, whereas their wives would realise that enough was enough and terminate it.
However, in a lot of these cases, it is not just a spur of the moment thing. The woman will have been reviewing the situation and crystallising the reasons for her unhappiness for some time. Very often there will be some form of catalyst that sparks to light the blue touch paper and make her determined to initiate some major changes.
It might be the appearance of a new man in her life who pays her some attention and highlights the romantic inadequacies of her partner.
But, in a lot of cases, over the last week, it was the paucity of the celebration of St Valentine’s Day or, in many cases, the refusal to even acknowledge it. Now, I know a lot of guys will be saying ‘but I show her attention 365 days a year, why should I make a special effort on 14th February?’
Well, guys, the plain facts are these – we expect you to. End of.
You would do well to note my tearful acceptance of a handwritten love letter, which procured for Ruf the benefits of all sorts of sexual proclivities as a result of my increased feeling of romantic well being.
Otherwise, things at home could begin to go startlingly awry. These days, a woman does not have to go through the ructions of a divorce if she doesn’t want to lose her kids or her lifestyle. But neither does she have to spice up her life with a dangerous dalliance on her own doorstep with the milkman, because there are internet opportunities up for grabs and, remember, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
According to Illicit Encouters, a UK-based extra-marital dating agency with over 420,000 members, their website has experienced a surge of female activity over the last week, as thousands of disillusioned wives took to the internet after a dismal Valentine’s Day.
Apparently, there has been an unexpected influx of new female profiles, totalling close to 1,000 over the a three day period but, it’s more than that, because the number of dormant female members re-engaging with the site has also risen.
Attitudes towards extra-marital relationships are changing, and women are less willing to ‘put up’ with a neglectful spouse. These women need to feel appreciated and desired, and failure to perform on Valentine’s Day means that they will go out of their way to try to connect with others who can fulfil those needs.
Being ignored on Valentine’s Day or having a partner who puts work commitments before a romantic candlelit dinner is no longer going to be tolerated.
Illicit Encounters – How You Can Have Your Cake and Eat It Too
And of course , for my US readers, there’s Ashley Madison
Another insightful post dear. I am so intrigued by your observations and believe there is merit here in what you say. My experience was with another occasion though.
Years ago, kids were small and long before I was fully aware of my crumbling marriage – there was a Mother’s Day. We did things and attended events for mom’s / family the whole day. And not one thing, no card no flowers no note – things kids should have helped with been part of – nothing was done to commemorate the occasion. I remember how sad and empty I felt at the end of that day and bitterly unappreciated.
Yup, I think it was Mother’s Day that finally did for me too. Although he did buy me something… from them. But there were no cards and no thought had been put into it – from their part. I didn’t complain because at least he had thought to buy me something – at the same time as he bought something for his own mother. However, it was the whole culture of thinking for them and disempowering them from the joy of giving. On Father’s Day, I would talk with them about what to get for him and try to persuade them to choose their own card for him… or make him one. When they were younger, that was what we always did because it meant that we were spending quality time doing something for someone that we loved.
There’s not a lot I need to add to what you say here, as you’ve got to the crux of the matter, as usuall! Women certainly need to feel appreciated and loved, and although we might tell our men again and again, some of them just don’t seem to “get it”. Why’s that, do you think?
I think some of them are either too lazy or have the recall of a goldfish :) But, as Blaze says, it’s not just men. There are some women who do not make an effort either, although that tends to be because they have stopped caring as much about their partner as they did. We tend to show our feelings through our inactions, whereas with a lot of men, it is by default rather than design
Oh, this post so resonates with me!! And yes, D-Day is approaching. Not as fast as I would like, mind you, but there is no way I am getting cold feet over this one! :)
Stay strong, Helga! You’ve come so far and the finishing line is in sight. You’ll know when the time is right x
My dear Ms. Cake, I will have to disagree with you.
I am NOT a proponent of Valentines Day.
My lover shows me every day how much he loves me, and I him.
Saying that women should “expect” to be treated extra special on Valentines Day is, quite frankly, sexist.
What makes ME more deserving of being treated special than he?
Relationships take effort, from both partners.
It’s a constant work in progress, and one that I take very seriously, as does my lover.
Our love, and how we share and express it is 24/7.
Everyday should be “Valentines Day”!
But you see, that’s where couples get into trouble.
They stop doing and showing each other, EVERYDAY how much they care … and let little things bog them down.
Most women (myself included) have grown up with a very skewed sense of romance and love.
My lover taking me out to dinner, or buying me jewelry or writing me a love letter is most certainly welcomed and appreciated ….. but he does those things randomly and they mean so much more to me than asking, or expecting him to ‘produce’ on a certain day.
I think it’s very unfair to men.
If you want to have a special day, it should be your birthday.
That’s when mine is.
Still, my expectations aren’t very high.
But that’s just my personal taste.
I do agree with you that women are no longer willing to put-up with a neglectful spouse/lover; and we shouldn’t be.
We’re so worth it! :D
Excellent read!
No, you’re right, Blaze, but there are some guys who just seem to be unable to do it every day and so they need to have those high days to make them remember. If they still can’t get around to it, then there is something seriously wrong with the relationship.
And I dont expect an expensive gift either. As I said, Ruf wrote me a letter. Two pages of A4 in big handwriting but it was the fact that he went to the trouble, took the time to express his feelings. That one act will stand him in good stead for months because I keep on reading it.
Ruf and I are reading this fantastic book, which is showing us so many wonderful ways that we can open up and express ourselves without getting encumbered in all the rubbish of daily life. I shall write some more about it soon.
Love is in the air, apparently. I’m going to cut and paste myself… A comment I left on Sage’s post on love:
Yes, well, romantic love is a human invention circa the middle ages — when it was a heavily constructed way of behaving re: the beloved. A history of “love” dating back further tends to depict sexual attraction and mating (pair bonding, either temporary or permanent)– which have more to do with your expression “all in.” One of the characteristics of romantic love is the concept of “being in love with love.”
Swooning and sighing can be fun, for sure. So can all the other emotional states attached to the rise and fall of romantic love. However, none of that means jack shit on a practical level.
Copy and paste over. SO does that make me a cynic? “cause I do “love” in many other ways. Just don’t have it anymore for the formulated, heavily constructed excess of romance.
I get what your saying, S, and I would have agreed with you if I wasnt part of this relationship. It isnt all sweetness and light. We do have the occasional spat but that tends to serve to make us appreciate each other even more. I think, because we are not with each other every day, we just appreciate what we have so much more than if we could reach out and touch on a whim. Absence makes the heart grow fonder… and all that :)
Once upon a time i was dumb enough to believe in Valentines Day but then I grew up and saw it for what it is, a man made excuse for the retail business to make money.
I don’t acknowledge it or buy anything special for anyone.
I always think of my partner as she does me and we show our love on a regular basis.
In order for me to top that I would have to win the lottery.
This is what we should all expect, not that gift or display of affection on that one day.
Actually it would be cheaper i think if the people who bought gifts on the spur of the moment for their partners stopped and only got them a valentines day gift.
To say you expect something for Valentines Day would also imply that one of the reasons you are in that relationship.
Yeah, I don’t care for Valentines day.
Now the Saint Valentines Day Massacre, there’s a reason to remember February 14th
I think the article is aimed more at those who dont look after their partner the rest of the year and then ignore her on Valentine’s Day. Doing something special that doesnt actually cost money, just time is very acceptable – so a nice backrub or something like that :)
Sexist post. . . As a guy I expect to (1) be left alone occasionally to have “me” time (2) my lover to be always turned on by me and (3) to have dinner on the table when I get home, but these things don’t always happen. And I am OK with it.
Just as I don’t expect my wife to cater to my every need and desire, she should expect me to cater to her. Love isn’t about someone “making” you happy, it’s about being happy “with” someone. You shouldn’t need someone to “make” you feel special but should be content in simply enjoying your time with them. If that’s not enough for you and you need flowers, a box of chocolates, or a card with a “heartfelt” (i.e. trite) message written on it, maybe you should go back to high school so you can feel desired again.
My point is that a monogamous relationship should really be about companionship. If that’s not enough for you, get ready for a future of serial monogamy once the puppy love fades.
And while we’re on the subject of valentine’s day, where are the cries for women to take their men to a nice game followed by a good old fashioned blow job? I assure you that most men would feel very “special” if their wife did this for them. Why is it only that women are catered to while men are left out in the cold? Reason: it’s a sexist holiday where women are peddled as a commodity and men are the buyers. Women aren’t feeling “loved” on Valentine’s day because their men don’t love or appreciate them but because it reminds them that they are less of a resource to be competed over.
Nice reponse, Adam! I promise you that Ruf got several blowjobs over the week on the strength of that love letter :) I think that’s what I’m trying to say. You should observe the day but in a very personal way. And she should reciprocate in a way that works for the man :)
I can certainly believe any statistics that suggest that women initiate the majority of separations and divorces; if it isn’t the wife, it’s pressure from “the other woman”.
You see, I don’t believe it’s that only “their wives would realise that enough was enough”; men are quite capable of getting thoroughly disenchanted with a marriage and realising that a marriage is functionally dead, and of having affairs to find distraction and, if lucky, a little happiness. The difference is that men seem to find it harder to make that final break and actually call time on the marriage.
It’s a generalisation, of course, but I can’t help feeling there’s a certain fear in men that most men would probably not care to admit: the marriage may be functionally dead but at least it’s there, and it’s a known constant. Even unhappiness is predictable and safe. If one steps away from the marriage, there’s only uncertainty.
Women are, in many ways, much stronger than men whether men let you know it or not.
LOL at the other woman initiating the divorce – I dont think I have the stats for that ;P My research certainly seems to show that women seem to cope better after the divorce, especially if it was they that initiated it. They have to reach a nadir in the relationship and then they bounce back up whereas men are particularly unsettled by the change to their routine. As you say, they like certainty.
I also disagree on a point or two. For one thing. I have never in my life met a woman who “deserved” to have to get something that one day so I should just have to deal with it whether I like it or not. I will never again in my life allow any woman to control me and tell me I have to do something just because of one stupid day on a calendar. I will choose to do something or I will not, but I will not be told what I have to do or not do with threats.
Regarding the studies on divorce. Many studies have shown that in areas where there is less guarantee of child custody, child support, and alimony, the rates of divorce initiation balance out. So that leads me to conclude that in places where there is the appearance of financial gain to be had, then women are more willing to leave the partner they swore they would stay with for better or for worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. It takes two to make a marriage work, and a woman giving up means she is the reason the marriage fails, not the man.
Ok, personal opinion over.
SH, Thanks for putting that side of the argument and providing some more balance. My own post was definitely coloured by my own experiences and I think you make some telling points.
I would take issue with the suggestion that balance in the divorce initiation rates is achieved where there are issues over the availability of child support and alimony. This would be because a fair number of women who have been out of the workplace for many years caring for kids do not feel confident enough that they could support them on their own. This means that they might well put the welfare of the children first and not request a divorce, thereby sentencing themselves to more years in a relationship which is not working for them.
However, I agree with what you say that no woman ‘deserves’ a thought on Valentine’s Day by right and the ‘threat’ of the divorce is really only for those wives who are so underrated and unrespected the rest of the year that failure to recognise their worth on Valentine’s Day could just push them over the edge into the arms of the divorce lawyers.