Unfaithful Wife

‘Right, I’m off. See you on Monday, you know where I am if you need me,’ I would call back as I closed the door behind me prior to beginning the long drive… and one day I half-heard his muttered response.

‘Well, no, actually I don’t…’

Part of me was glad that he didn’t say it louder so I would not have to give the lie in return but another, much smaller, part wished that he would have the courage to speak the words out loud, to facilitate the confrontation.

He wasn’t stupid, but maybe he lacked the imagination to contemplate the inevitable outcome of our physical estrangement.

I hated betraying him and yet, in many ways, it was no more than he had done to me in different circumstances. He destroyed my position as a mother, just as surely as I had gone on to wreck any possibility of saving our marriage.

And yet it was never tit for tat. I would have done anything to avoid being in this situation… and for many years I let the inequity and injustice consume me rather than break the vows I had taken in such good faith.

But, on the fateful day that I made the decision to speak, I knew that I could do it no longer.

Couldn’t risk seeing the hurt look in his eyes upon the discovery, didn’t want to continue in this unhappy mess, devoid of affection and respect.

When I told him I was leaving, he seemed to think it was the fault of the children, that I would return to him once they had left the nest. That was the hardest moment really. To recognise the full extent of his denial. A complete refusal to accept that he had done anything to deserve this.

And when I asked for the divorce, he seemed stunned. To answer his question, I said the first thing that came into my head about wanting to date other people.

That’s when the reality seemed to hit him, that there must be someone else… or maybe it was his pride and his stubborn determination that nothing was ever his fault.

I must have met someone else and been an unfaithful wife to want to leave. That was the only reason for such inexplicable behaviour.

There have never been any admissions on my part, no matter what he may think – in fact my continuing to live locally and alone should have confirmed the contrary.

I don’t want to hurt him but I need to get on with my life. And that means beginning to introduce Ruf to people who know us both and trying to avoid the awkward questions like ‘How long have you been together…?’