This year, the father of my children is coming for Christmas as usual at my mother and stepfather’s house. He will be joining them, myself, my pregnant half sister and her husband, plus our extended family. It will, I am sure, seem both normal and yet not in the least bit normal. I know I will feel deeply wistful and sad, and yet, given the circumstances, also proud if we can pull it off gracefully. This is because, if we can do it this year, with our signatures on the decree absolute documents barely dry, then it shows that divorce, handled well, need not be a total catstrophe.
There aren’t that many Christmases left when our children will still be young, and I dont wish to miss one of them. Nor does their dad. I wouldnt sya the solutio is simple, and it certainly wouldn’t be right for many parted couples. But because the children want both their parents there, and becdause the two of us still do get on, I think the effort has to be worth it. The alternative – Christmas for either of us without our boys – is a whole lot more painful than Christmas with each other.
Of course, it wont be quite the same as Christmases past – I am still pondering the knotty question of what sort of present would be appropriate for such a recent ex-husband, if one at all. Nevertheless, we will be working hard at it, for our own sakes and, more importantly, the children’s. Who knows, even if it turns out jjust ‘fine as opposed to ‘fantastic’, we may have hit upon a permanent solution, albeit one very much outside the gift=wrapped beribboned Christmas box of convention.
Candida Crewe ‘Christmas Memoirs’
The Times Magazine, December 2009
I actually read this article after my first post-separation Christmas.
It was quite strange to hear the thoughts of someone in a similar position. Two people who had also made the grown-up decision to try to retain the conventions of Christmas for the sake of their children.
Especially as my own Christmas had been a successful version of something very similar to what she had described.
This year it will be happening all over again. My family, including my soon-to-be-ex-husband, will gather at my sister’s to eat, drink and make merry – just as we have every year for the last decade. I have to accept that he is a huge part of their lives and just because I don’t want to live with him, it doesn’t mean that my family don’t still want to spend time with him. In many ways he gets along far better with my sister than he ever did with me.
So, for as long as our children wish to celebrate Christmas with their parents, this is how it’s going to be. Although whether I can envisage incorporating Ruf into that mix is another matter.
Events were rather thrust upon me recently over my father’s birthday. Ruf is visiting and I would like to take him along… but my sister has already invited my ex.
It is too soon to precipitate that encounter but I don’t want to leave Ruf home alone and so we have this ridiculous situation where my ex will be at my father’s party… but I won’t.
Bizarre.
Perhaps your sister might be more aware of your desires before the next party. Since you will be together at Christmas, your father will probably be okay with you not coming to his party. Maybe you and Ruf could visit him later.
Nitebyrd, with the weather the way it is, the whole meeting now looks debatable. Is it wrong to be hoping for sufficient snow to keep Ruf here over Xmas and prevent me from travelling elsewhere…? :P
Joanna, I will be using all my wishes for you. You deserve all the happiness. (And we all deserve to be a little selfish once in a while…)
Lexi G. recently posted..How to handle morning wood
Darling sister sounds like she’s holding a bit of hostility toward your “new” arrangement, whether or not she’s willing to admit it. There’s little you can do to expedite her adjustment, but in our family, when circumstances, e.g., marriage, divorce, created a situation that made attendance uncomfortable or undesireable, we’d simply make our own plans to celebrate with the honoree – who almost always loved the additional attention. You’re not wrong to hope for snow, and it sure looks like your dream may come true! Stay warm, and merry Christmas!
Yes, that’s a big statement on your sister’s part. I can imagine how I’d feel about that in your shoes.
Are you staying away calmly and assertively, or in a big snot? Do you think she anticipated you’d make that choice?
I think visiting seperately with Ruf is a good idea, but as you say, snow dependent.
I’m fighting the misery about this year, I have to admit. So tough.
Jo recently posted..a Christmas WhingenPurge- avoid at will
Lexi, Sadly, the snow has receded from this part of the country and focussed its attentions on Ruf’s home :(
Happy Camper, It’s tough because the birthday is so close to Xmas and other plans are already in place for all parties. We will have to try to arrange a separate get together with him in the New Year now. As I said to Lexi, the snow has also melted away so it’s back to the original plan and pray that the white stuff does not return over the weekend, which would prevent me seeing Ruf then. Im not sure my sister is hostile to the situation, just that she doesnt think to ask… Clearly, I also need to be more specific about my plans in advance of any future events.
Jo, No big snot. I just said that I wasnt prepared to leave Ruf on his own if he’d come all this way to see me and that we would arrange to see him separately. In the end, the event did not happen because of the snow. I understand completely your feelings of misery about Xmas. I find myself spending two days with my family who I do care about very deeply but who always seem to have so many expectations and come with so much baggage. Instead of calm, relaxation, there is stress and treading on eggshells. I just want to be with the man who makes me feel at peace with myself and with him.