The Power of Goodbye

Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken…I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something’s wrong
I pray to God that it won’t be long
Madonna, The Power of Goodbye

I remember the first time I heard this song.

I was in the midst of getting over The Catalyst and I was out driving in my car when it came onto the radio.

The lyrics just said everything about our relationship and the way it had dragged on because neither of us could totally let go. It was the day that I said ‘goodbye’ to him in my head, even though my heart will always hold onto a small piece of him.

It was Adele’s ‘Rolling in the Deep’ which signified the moment where I knew I had to find a way to remove myself from the influence of my ex.

The scars of your love leave me breathless is the line that reverberates around my head, along with the realisation of what he has done to me systematically over so many years.

Freedom comes when you learn to let go, but it’s so hard when you are so inextricably linked to someone because of your children and your financial security.

But Creation comes when you learn to say no, so I have to start extricating myself, starting by earning enough money to support myself and then moving through separating myself from him when it comes to the children, who still try to play us off against each other. Perhaps I have to let everyone become independent from me and make their own mistakes without me trying to protect them. My parenting has always been tempered by the knowledge that his behaviour will affect anything that I try to do so, without him onside, there is no point in trying to achieve any other end. That needs to stop.

I have to start drawing lines in the sand.