Two things made me remember.
An overheard conversation where one student was telling another that she had moved out of the ‘big empty house’ and the were going ahead with a full separation now that their youngest had gone off to Uni.
And a short post at Infantasia.
All through the bad times, I kept remembering how much my kids loved their dad. This was not some monstrous abuser that we all needed to escape, but a simple, gentle man who was just no longer right for me.
I always told Ruf that I would not leave until my youngest was at university and I would have adhered to that promise if things had not reached a point where my position as a parent became untenable. Where to stay was doing more damage than a dignified departure.
As a whole generation of children begin to settle in at University, in many homes, full separations will come into force. So many parents who have been waiting for the children to be off their hands so they can pursue the lives they have dreamed of for a number of years.
It is a natural point in the order of things.
Sometimes, you cannot even wait until the children go to university because the atmosphere at home is such that you fear that your children may never see you happy. They might have an image of their mother being this frustrated, complaining, unhappy woman, and never know her like she really is, a wonderful, happy, funny person. So, sometimes, you need to leave for the sake of the children, until they get a little older and understand the circumstances.
I’ve never understood this way of thinking – your child leaves home for a new environment, new friends, new responsibilities, finally free of parents breathing down his/her neck… and in the meantime their home (and by inference, their perception of their childhood within the family) is being dismantled, and they quite possibly two upset parents to deal with as they shuttle between them with suitcases. This happened to several friends of mine when I was at University, and it was always devastating – and sometimes disastrous for their studies and fledgling independence.
Children tend to blame themselves for their parents’ breakups anyway, so how can it be any better to know that they were just unhappily hanging on until the offspring’s back is turned? People shouldn’t kid themselves they are being altruistic when they are just being indecisive.
Frenchy – That was my situation. To stay was to do more harm than good.
Z – Id not thought of it from that point of view. It’s such a terribly emotional time that maybe we don’t think clearly, especially for women, when we are too scared to take our kids away from the financial security of a breadwinner. But, it’s more than that, because so many kids want to be able to have equal access to both parents in the same house, no matter that they don’t get along too well.
I agree with Z. This is from personal experience. At the point where my elder daughter left for university I discovered something that my husband had done and it tipped me over the edge. I wanted to leave – desperately. Thank goodness I didn’t go with my knee jerk reaction. I hung in there and later found that my daughter was feeling isolated, struggling to cope with uni life and living with strangers. Nightly phone calls to us saw her emotionally wrecked and her work suffering. Imagine what she’d have been like if I’d left her dad! She’d never have survived at all. As it is, she did 4 years and got a 2:1. If I’d left at that time, her life would have taken a completely different path. She’s now a translator and travels the world.
The decision of course, wasn’t the right one for me personally. I’m still hanging in there, but now with a husband who has failing health. I feel trapped.
I think there is no good answer. Either way there’s a lot of fall out and misery and fear to deal with.
I don’t think there’s one right answer either. Everyone’s different, everyone’s kids are different. I wish my parents had separated before I was 18, but that was a v different situation to mine. I certainly handled it better then than I would have when I was three. You’re a lot more fully formed as an older teenager then you are under 5.
My mother’s happiness wouldn’t necessarily have ensured mine, and I don’t think either of them would have been happy anyway. I feel there’s a lot to be said for stability, even if it’s unhappy stability. Not that anyone shouldn’t leave… just that no one should feel they have to if they don’t think it’s the right thing.
Jo recently posted..Careful now!
I guess at the end of the day, the question is whether there is ever a right time and, as a mother and wife, you have to make your decision according to what is best for those around you. The trouble is, as you seem to have found out, that worrying about other people can become a life-long commitment when they may not show the same care for you in return. Business problems, ill health – all reasons why someone would remain silent because they would not want to load any more trauma onto their spouse. But these things can go on forever and you only have the one life. Big hug, because I can empathise.
I agree, Jo, I think at the end of the day it has to be what’s right for you in your situation… and even then it will probably be wrong at some point in the equation. As you’ll see from my story, I hung in there for almost a decade after most people would probably have departed – because I did not want to do what my mother did. Trouble is, I ended up leaving when my children were pretty much the same age as I was when my mother had to make the decision to go.
I think it’s not so much the leaving as the manner of your departure and your availability/accessibility as a parent thereafter. I still live very close by so my teenagers can see me when they want to. I left my marriage not my children.
Yeah, if we could afford another house we’d do it. The issue in my case is that the someone righter is in another country, and though some disagree, I don’t see myself as having the right to take my children away from their dad. And of course, the law upholds that idea.
I do agree with what GreeneyedFrenchy said, those are exactly thoughts I had myself. But then, I don’t know how well I’d cope with the trauma of it, and a mother who weeps in a bedsit isn’t much of an alternative to one who isn’t happy in her relationship…
Maybe part of my problem is that my parents didn’t split up for so long. My husband’s never did. It has occurred to me that those role models were destructive in their own way too. You’re damned if you don’t and you’re damned if you do, perhaps…
Jo recently posted..Careful now!
There is never going to be a good time to end a relationship when you have kids. You do it because you don’t have a choice anymore. It’s end it or it’s the end of you.
I ended mine because I was just going through the motions of life. I had come to the point of wanting to end my life as I couldn’t deal with it anymore. It was as if I was a second class citizen. Like a stepford wife. My life was about caring for everyone else.
I feel like my kids will always blame me for being the one that forever changed their lives. I can’t tell them the truths and secrets about their dad. It is his story to tell. He said he would and has done everything to make them hate me and never forgive me. He has told lies about me. painting me as an unstable female going through menopause. Apparently, as unbelievable as it seems, they actually believe his words are true. I never asked them to choose between us. Interestly, they are all financially connected with him either through work or living arrangements. It’s been 5 years and they have almost no contact with me. I call them, I write them, text them and invite them. But this year, I find that it is becoming too painful. I don’t know what else to do. I have gone to counseling. Let them come to you is the advice. Keep the door open. They were my life for 25 years. I have only a few friends that know why I left. I left so that I could live. These friends are threatening to tell my kids that their father is gay. It saddens me, because I feel that then they would hate both parents.
Oh, Katy, I hear you! There were times when I was so miserable that I felt like just stepping out into the road in front of a passing car. I say to people that you will know when it’s time to go because it was such an obvious thing. As if a line had been drawn in the sand or I had hit the bottom after a long fall.
As to the father of your children, as you say, it does no good to bad mouth him and they are no stupid, they will work it out. All you can do is keep the lines of communication open. Do not respond to any insults with vitriol, always remain calm and approachable and, above all, assure them of your unending love for them… your children. It must be so hard because I understand completely that they were your entire life for two decades. It is so difficult to just cast that aside and ‘abandon’ them but, as your counsellor said, it probably is best to let them come to you now.
Friends are also difficult because many feel that they have to take sides and, as the person who left, you are regarded as a deserter. Particularly if your ex is externally an extremely reasonable and nice man. People on the outside do not know what goes on inside the four walls of a marital bedroom and yet they still feel the right to judge. And there are others who think they should interfere on your behalf. But what good to tell your kids about their father’s sexual preferences. What difference is it really going to make? As you say, it could sew discord between them and their father but, from what you say, I don’t believe you want to do that – or you would already have told them yourself.
You have to get on with your life and look to the future. It may well be that it is without your kids in it and that is heartbreaking but that is their choice and, as they mature and have kids of their own, the chances are that they will start to understand a little more. But you deserve to be happy with someone who lives you for you and wants to be physical with you.
Perhaps now is the time to draw a second line in the sand and move forward with confidence knowing that you are a good person who did nothing wrong and who endured many years of unhappiness in order to keep your children’s home secure.
Big hugs x
This idea is very close to me right now, my parents have just split up. My mother was actually considering waiting until I’d *finished* university but I would never have wanted that for her, or for my dad. I really don’t think that there is ever a good time for your parents to split up, but ultimately you might as well just get it over with, if it is going to happen. You feel destabilised no matter what, and I actually think it has been easier for my younger sister to adjust to than for my brother and I.
I would like to second the idea that your parents splitting up as soon as you go off to University would be the worst thing ever. Everyone feels so unsettled at the beginning of Uni, even if they are having a good time it is a big and scary change and having some stability at home (and by that I mean, things staying the same, no matter what that home situtation is – both parents or not) is a real help. And also, would it not just become so obvious that that’s what they were waiting for? I don’t think I would have enjoyed that feeling and that guilt at all. I have hated being away from my family whilst all this is going on, not being able to come home because of work commitments has been awful. My parents in the end did not wait, and this is just how things have happened, but if they had had a choice? I would rather they had done it when I was there to support and be supported by them.
There are so many factors to consider when breaking up when you have children, but I’m not sure that waiting until they are safely ensconced somewhere else would be the right thing to do, unless it just turned out that way. It’s not good for the parents either to have to wait it out that long, and I don’t think it really is the best thing for the children either.
Janie recently posted..Reckless
Hey Janie,
I am so sorry to hear about your parents’ split but thank you for taking the time to add the perspective from the other side. It has certainly made me rethink some my own perceptions about the subject.
I guess, as parents, we try to take responsibility without involving our kids. The majority of us want to do the best for them without worrying them any more than is absolutely necessary. However, in doing that, many of us fail to really take account their feelings about the matter and I certainly had not considered the effects of the loss of home security on top of the emotional upheaval of moving away for the first time.
I also had not factored in that children might want to be actively supportive during the break up.
Thank you again for your valuable input x