Sex As Love

It was interesting to read Neamhspleachas post about Sex As Love and her assertion that ‘making love’ is a terrible term.

Kit O’Connell responded that: “I can’t really perform unless I feel affection & connection for the person — it doesn’t have to turn into a long term relationship but some spark of connection has to be there.”

Im with Kit on this. In the past I have engaged in heavy petting with men just because they showed some interest in doing so with me. I felt that they were doing me a favour. However, as a result, I was never wet enough for it to be an enjoyable experience.

There was one man to whom I became very attracted over email and webcam but who, in the flesh, did not do anything for me at all. Our coming together was a performance disaster for him, although he ensured that I had a nice time. I was able to participate because he quite clearly adored me and was intent on my pleasure.

In the last days of my marriage, my husband and I had intercourse and that’s what it was. He climbed on and entered, I lay there and silently wept in the darkness as I felt the separation of two entities who had once been such a cohesive unit. The emptiness of the act seemed to emphasise the wrench as we ripped ourselves away from each other. There was no communication any more.

There are some men who respond to: ‘Do you love me?‘ with ‘Of course, I fuck you don’t I?‘ To them love is sex. But to many women, this could not be farther from the truth.

I was reminded of a piece I wrote some years ago – When Does Fucking Become Making Love?

These days with Ruf, we do make love sometimes. Yes, we fuck with abandon too but there is a very big difference when you connect emotionally as well as physically. You’re out on a limb and trusting someone else with your heart and if someone is giving the same back, it can be the most intense experience where you fuck each other with your eyes and your minds as well as your genitals. It’s slow and languorous, as if we’re caught in a moment in time that contains just us two. Where even the slightest movement can provoke a climax in me and he deliberately makes the most of each muscle twitch.

This is a man who tells me he loves me every day… and yet I cannot get enough of it. Cannot wait to get into his arms, his bed and become a part of him.

That is sex as love.