If you are in a relationship, Sex and Menopause is a subject which needs to be dealt with as a couple.
Many marriages will be affected by the female’s surge of testosterone prior to her Menopause which can leave her temperamental and sexually insatiable – and this is particularly noticeable (and often rather annoying) when her man begins to become aware of a gradual lessening of libido at the same age.
But it’s the mood swings and hot sweats that can really get a girl down. Bad tempered outbursts, hot sweats, lack of sleep, the feeling that we have no identity of our own accompanied by the female equivalent of a raging hard-on. It’s not a good mix and is the basis for a female midlife crisis.
And, once things settle down, she then starts to feel the full effects of the Menopause with a drop in sexual desire most commonly due to problems with vaginal thinning as a result of the reduction in oestrogen supplies. Sex starts to hurt. Whether it’s at entry or exit or during the thrusting. A stray sharp fingernail or hangnail can cause a tiny split that will feel like a gash the size of the Mariana Trench.
However, as I explained in Midlife Crisis – Men, the consequences of not dealing with Menopause together can exacerbate a man’s version of the same event. He’s starting to notice thinning on top and increasing girth around his middle and he’s not getting sex. She doesn’t feel desirable and, ipso facto, does not desire him. He feels unwanted and starts to search for a trophy girlfriend to emphasise his battered masculinity.
And, if you’re in a relationship after a divorce, it’s hard for the man to adjust if his woman used to be a voluptuous vamp and has suddenly turned into a dried up prude.
It is vital that you work through these issues as a partnership. You have to talk to each other, explain your fears and be open about what is happening to your bodies if you want to grow old together.
Ruf and I have used all sorts of aids to facilitate sexual intercourse because one of the best things for dealing with thinning is regular vaginal activity. If you use plenty of lube or even wear one of the new skin-like latex-free condoms – either the RealFeel or Avanti Ultima – this can make the whole event far less painful and, therefore, far more likely to be successful. Fear of what may happen can be a huge turn off. If a girl has confidence that it’s not going to hurt, she is bound to be more receptive to her man’s desires.
And if he encourages her to use vibrators or pelvic floor exercisers to stimulate the area, this will also help to boost circulation to the area and prevent further thinning – as well as ensuring that her cunt retains its elasticity and muscle control, adding to his pleasure.
At the end of the day, Menopause is something that must be gone through. Some women will bear it more easily than others – especially if they have the full support of their menfolk. And to lose the intimacy of sex and possibly an entire relationship for want of a bit of care and attention during what is a natural phenomenon would be a crime.
How do you feel about HRT or oestrogen-containing creams?
Both Goddess Wife and I have lived through this – salvation is found in bio-identical hormone therapy – NOT standard hormone therapy. And that goes for both men and women. Suzanne Somers wrote a couple of books about this, which got us started. Then you need to locate a doc, usually alternatively inclined because the bio-identical thing is dissed in the mainstream medical community, in your community who can test your hormone levels and adjust them AND IT FUCKING WORKS!!
Screening your doc search with questions about views on bio-identical hormone therapy is the fastest way to winnow out what’s what. A doc will quickly reveal love or hate for BIHT.
Somers’s books are:
The Sexy Years: Discover the Hormone Connection: The Secret to Fabulous Sex, Great Health, and Vitality, for Women and Men by Suzanne Somers and Robert A. Greene M.D. (Paperback – Mar 15, 2005) (available used on Amazon for pennies plus shipping!)
and
Ageless: The Naked Truth About Bioidentical Hormones by Suzanne Somers (Paperback – Dec 31, 2007) (available used for $2.97 plus shipping on Amazon).
I’m happy to discuss more here in the comments or privately by e-mail.
Be ageless!
Lily, I’m not comfortable with HRT due to the adverse reaction of a family member. Even though I was once on the Pill, these days, I am rather careful about the pharmaceutical chemicals that I put into my body because I fear a possible problem. That’s not to say that they don’t work for other women, just not this one so I am reliant on organic soya to provide my own source of phyto oestrogen and I am convinced that this is what has allowed me to have a relatively trouble-free orgasm.
With regard to oestrogen creams, again, it is the provenance of the oestrogen that causes me concern but I would certainly not be averse to trying some if the situation becomes any worse.
Sunlover, this is really interesting, thank you. I shall investigate and consult with local therapists.
This is very education- thanks for sharing!!
~viemoira
This is such great information and a wonderful, practical approach to the topic. I’m 15 years away from 50, and it’s starting to feel extremely close…
A blogger I know recently went on bio identicals, I think, and GOT A PERIOD, ten years after starting menopause, or something nearly like it. Scary! Dosage adjustment, yes – I don’t quite know what I think about it. Effective, anyway!
A friend recently stopped getting periods and was having trouble sleeping with hot flushes. She got some acupuncture, and the flushes stopped. I think that’s a good one for hormones generally, I know when I went before I had my last child, whatever he did made me come on heat like a teenager that month :)
It’s all in the lube, definitely. Good old fashioned screwing wouldn’t happen unless it’s liberally moistened. That’s OK. I find it a pleasure to do the application. But, dryness was one of the earlier manifestations of my wife’s menopause — she was once quite the opposite and dampened her pants easily. The worst aspect was her loss of libido. Difficult to deal with in a partner who was formerly brilliant in that regard. Fortunately it is well on the road back and we’ve been having some good encounters. But, and men should be warned (and you, my dear one, have done an invaluable service here) that it will be different and they should endeavor to respect that and make adjustments.
Glad you enjoyed viemoira, sorry for not replying before. Life!!!
Jo, I have been having acupuncture for a variety of reasons over the last year and I am definitely stronger and healthier as a result. I believe that this, combined with a healthy diet which includes soya, has been instrumental in what seems to have been a relatively problem free Menopause. I shall take on board your caution about bio identicals though.
Ah, MrW, Im just trying to bring these hidden subjects out into the public area. Im sure a lot of marriages might survive if the partners just talked about this type of issue.
Hello again,
Here’s a link to a recent article on the CNN blogs about male andropause – the declining testosterone levels that hit bigger as men go past 40.
http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2011/07/14/do-guys-experience-manopause/
It reflects a definitely mainstream medicine view that does not acknowledge bio-identical hormone therapy, but has a quick summary of facts on what the hell happens to the guys.
Ian, I have to respectfully disagree – dealing with the post-50 effects of the hormonal changes in a woman with “lube” is addressing but one symptom of a much larger issue. Not that lube is bad – if it helps make the encounter more comfortable, fine – but she can do so much more that improves so many aspects of her life above and beyond getting juicy when you whisper naughty stories in her ear at the restaurant.
Best to all!
Hi Sunlover
Thanks for that link. It’s very interest to hear about men enduring their own form of menopause. Im still not sure about doing anything with hormones tho. Ruf always refers to the women of Okinawa who dont even have a word for menopause because their diet provides them with everything they need to remain healthy even when they stop ovulating.