It was a joke book on the shelves at a friend’s house where we were attending a bbq.
Sex After Forty is a book that contains a large number of empty pages.
Ruf and I smiled at each other conspiratorially as we knew that this was not always the case, if you worked at it.
However, another friend who was slightly the worse for drink and had only recently celebrated his 40th birthday, nodded his head sadly in confirmation at the book’s contents.
“Is it not much fun in bed then, Tim?” Ruf asked.
He looked momentarily confused, as if he had suddenly realised he might have said something he shouldn’t… out loud.
“Oh, no,” he replied. “She still has a great time, I know how to find her sweet spot but…” His voice trailed off.
Standing in the circle of men, I was the only women and I started to say: “I’m not sure that I should be listening to this…”
It seemed like one of those peculiarly male bonding moments.
“Oh, Joanna, you’re alright. In fact, I would welcome some female input!”
I stopped for a moment wondering what to say and decided in favour of humour.
“Ah, Tim, you were brilliant, but I thought you told me not to tell anyone!”
We all giggled and the conversation moved on… away from any possibility of Tim’s marital difficulties.
He has been with his wife since they were at University more than two decades before. They still love each other but they seem to do more and more activities apart. It puts space between them… and that space could become as wide as a chasm and even harder to bridge.
He clearly envied Ruf the joy of a new-ish relationship. Not in a jealous way, but definitely a wistful one.
On the way home, we both agreed that Ruf was going to have to tell him about the 15 Minute Orgasm… complete with a photocopied handout.
I thought of Tim again when I read Six Years Fixed in Six Days.
As a woman, it just makes so much difference when a man actively talks about his desire and attraction as foreplay, rather than just trying to jump and hump!
Amen. At least part of my sexual transformation was borne out of ageist fear — I was 38 or so, and I thought, if I’m going to have the kind of sex I fantasize about, I’d better do it now before I become unfuckable.
(Let no one tell you we are not a rigidly segregated society, with our very own sexual castes).
Having gotten there, I see no real reason why it has to end (though I’m a little worried about menopause).
I’m 47 wife is turning 50 in a few months she has almost no sex drive and hasen’t for quit awhile I ask her to go see dr but she says there nothing they can do I’ve heard from other women that hav been threw this already they said there is lots of things she could do. I’ve tried go to local sex stores bought different pills and new toy a few vidieos and only one time Igot her to have sex and thank god I was as good as I ever was she said that it was the best she could remeber I don’t last long most of the time but since then she won’t even think about doing it I tried 2 nights ago even got a couple pills and stimulating lube she did not take it and acted like she fell asleep on couch well I new that was BS.I’m also concerned that I won’t be able to have the same performance as last time.Dose anybody have any advice for us I’m going to see if I can get something from a DR for me but what about her
Lily, I too felt the pressure of ‘use it or lose it’ at one point and I definitely believe that, physically, that is a real threat as the Menopause closes in. However, I would like to think that I am emerging out the other side… not unscathed but making love wisely and with confidence.
Hey Bob, those hormones are pesky critters. They really do rob you of your sex drive and, once it’s on the back foot, it’s quite tricky to get it to come out from under the rock where it’s hidden itself. Sex toys are definitely a good idea – there is a loss of sensitivity along with that oestrogen. Used with plenty of lube and a gentle partner, these can start to reignite that loving feeling. More than anything, I think you both need to talk to each other about your insecurities. And maybe instead of diving straight in with pills and toys, spend some loving time together. Not for sex but just kissing and cuddling to re-establish the emotional affection. It is so easy to lose sight of that other person in your life when there is so much going on with kids and work and life and then your body starts playing up and not responding the way it used to. It’s embarrassing and you don’t want to mention it. But better a bit of embarrassment than the possibility that your significant other believes you no longer care for them.
Joanna recommends some together time getting to know each other again before trying to deal with the physical problems. Then have an evening where you are not allowed to touch genitalia. Just massaging, kissing and cuddling. You need to start fancying each other again. Try to remind each other about what made you attracted in the first place.
Keep me posted xx