Recovering From Anorexia

Recently, I have become friendly with a couple from whom I am learning so much about the difficult process of recovering from anorexia.

They have helped hugely with my own personal journey.

To most outsiders, anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder.

But, in reality, it is so much more than that.

The ‘not eating’ is just the tip of the iceberg. One physical manifestation of a mental sickness that goes so deep it strikes right at the core of the sufferer’s being.

It is ‘Little Voice’ syndrome gone mad.

Almost all of us have that tiny flicker of inner insecurity and minor self-esteem issues but for the damaged women who are recovering from anorexia, ‘Little Voice’ is the demon who still needs to be beaten.

The subconscious harridan who will belittle any achievements and mock those men who have the strength and courage to drag us kicking and screaming away from her malevolent maw.

Tania is a child of the generation below mine. She grew up hiding behind an outgoing, vivacious, striking persona who would wear skimpy outfits and behave outrageously to obscure the inner wretch inside, the only sign being the damaging body mutilation – all done in the name of art and self-expression of course.

To her, sex was/is a physical thing – to be enmeshed with anyone and everyone in a desperate attempt to avoid intimacy and emotional commitment. For Little Voice would never allow another person to gain the upper hand in case their desires became more important than the satisfaction of her own. So there could be no relationships that might endanger this. One night stands, each more damaging and torturous than the last. A submissive at the mercy of any carnal desires, forever searching for another way to demean and belittle herself mentally and physically, whilst growing her reputation for outlandish behaviour.

Steve is very different. A gentle, caring man who would do anything to save this girl from herself. He rescued her from the tide of debauched humanity and thought he had made her whole. Tania’s Little Voice, however, had other ideas. A wedding would not be the precursor to a life lived happily ever after. It was just a symbol of commitment to be destroyed in whatever way possible.

It was Little Voice who pushed her towards the other man. He wasn’t even attractive – but he showed her attention and that was a currency she had not learned to live without. Poor Steve would never be able to provide enough to feed that habit. Like an addict, she moved mothlike towards the flame, only to stutter at one kiss. Confused and conflicted, her actions back at the house betrayed her and there was confrontation and confession.

Steve was emotionally exhausted by her infidelity but, more than anything, he struggled to understand.

I tried to explain what living with Little Voice is like when you are recovering from anorexia. All the time, she wants to drag you back into that dark place where food is poison and skeletal is good because you are undeserving of nourishment. A good man can tell you he loves you 50 times a day but it only serves to fuel Little Voice’s conviction that he is stupid and knows nothing. How could he have any value if he finds you attractive and worthwhile?

For the man who lives with a damaged woman, it can take a long time to find the right measures for a treatment. Psychology, nutrition, counselling, sexual experience of submission and domination – these are all required skills. Sometimes it’s necessary to physically beat the devil into silence before verbally reassuring and rebuilding your woman with kisses that expunge the memory of the exorcism.

But most important is the ability to take it on the chin and suck up the malevolence that erodes her soul from within. Wrap her up in the security blanket of your love. Swaddle and hold her tight until the only thing she can think of is the warmth and safety that lies within the circle of your arms.

If you can achieve such a nirvana, the attentions of other men can be received without the fear of reciprocation.

She will learn to lap up the radiance without being burned by the flame.

Little Voice may never totally be silenced but your love can muffle the extent of its effect.

Ruf is incredibly strong and confident in himself and has been able to accomplish this without damaging his own self-belief. My fear is that Steve has too many insecurity demons of his own to be equally successful. Little Voice will eventually consume him before spitting out the last vestiges of his dignity as well.

Often there can be more than one victim in the recovery process.