Pre-Divorce

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldnt be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothings fine Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don’t care, I have no luck, I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things that I can’t touch, Im torn

Natalie Imbruglia, Torn

It was the car insurance that really brought it home to me because I have to change the address. My car isn’t kept there any more.

I have to start letting go.

Up until now, I have been holding on to the security blanket of my home.

It’s hard to wrest yourself away from the foundation of a quarter of a century’s familiarity and step out into the future.

But, today, the finality hit home.

Originally, I had intended to use these words and the video to accompany a piece about the loneliness that follows the realisation that the sex just aint up to it any more. Those moments where you lie there unsatisfied, listening to his breathing return to steadiness and understand that the connection has gone. That even comfort sex no longer fulfils its function.

And yet somehow, today, the rights and the wrongs, the journey itself – none of it matters because the loss feels so much more painful.

It doesn’t matter that I have Ruf and the future.

I mourn the past – all the failed hopes and dreams, the youthful enthusiasm of two young people who thought they were in love.

In the present, there is nothing that can compensate for that wreckage.

I miss my family.