Phoenix Rising

Out of the fire that burns inside me
A phoenix is rising
If you don’t feel that you can love me
I won’t shoot you down

Just ‘cos you’re raising the bet and call the shots now-ow, on me, ooh
It really doesn’t phase me how you spend your time ooh

Girls Aloud ‘Call the Shots’

I found this in my drafts and my first instinct was to discard it.

However, I think it’s valuable to show not only how far we’ve come but also how my perception of his actions could lead to anxiety and upset for me.

I remember him saying: ‘You’ve got yourself into a right old tizz haven’t you.’

He had been totally oblivious to the furore that was building up inside me because he had not texted and worse, had not responded to my texts.

Keeping me awake until all hours and crying tearfully into msn to friends in foreign climes at 3 in the morning. He was just busy and, like most men, unable to multitask. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, just that he was preoccupied by something else. And probably on things that, whilst I could not see as valuable, to him were of great importance.

Four years on, I am far more secure in his affections… and the times when I think he may have let me down, he always pulls it out of the hat to show that I let myself be swayed down a dark path by that inner demon.

But it’s more than that.

I have discovered this length of steel that runs through me. A determination, a grit, a force majeure that is determined to succeed in love and in life.

Sure, it’s going to be hard work… but our future is calling me onwards and upwards.

Happy New Year!