It was that moment that all married couples would have dreaded seeing in the movie version of Sex And The City.
Miranda and Steve are having great sex after a long period of abstinence due to parental and work commitments.
It’s fun, they’re having a good time. Their bodies have overcome the mental restrictions of their minds.
And then he tries to change position, she notices the clock and remembers that she has to get up to go to work in four and a half hours.
Which is when she utters the immortal line: ‘Can’t we just get it over and done with…?’
It’s an instant passion killer.
When a woman gets overtired, her libido is the first thing to go. It is not that she doesn’t find the man attractive per se, but her hormones are at rock bottom and sex is the last thing on her mind.
Her overriding desire is for sleep. She is too exhausted to feel desire or arousal. And the less sex she has, the less sex she wants. The nerve centres that respond to that stimulus are shutting down so that their energy can be passed on to some other more needy part of the brain and body.
It’s tough being a mother; holding down a full-time job, running a home AND being a mother is being a superwoman. Something has to give.
But it’s down to her partner to help her to cope with these things every once in a while and arrange it so that the chores get done, the children are babysat and they can have time alone together as a couple to reconnect… without all the extraneous worries getting in the way.
If you lose the joy of regular sex with your partner, it is such a difficult thing to regain and becomes a slippery slope upon which a marriage can… and will… falter.
No relationship can survive the loss of intimacy.
Ruf and I have reached the point in our relationship where it is starting to mature. We don’t feel the need to have sex all day every day whenever we are together. And part of that is because we know that there will be other occasions. We KNOW that we are going to be seeing each other again another time. So we don’t have to focus on getting our leg over immediately in case it doesn’t happen again.
Whereas we were having a covert, illicit liaison that existed only in the here and now and had to be satisfied immediately; now we are having a relationship that has a future. So, it’s ok to not have sex when we have other more pressing matters to hand, like getting our businesses up and running.
However, that makes it all the more important that we do set aside at least some time during a visit to have some quality sex. Not just a couple of minutes grabbed in between other chores. But a few hours specifically designated ‘us’ time.
Those moments where we can just lie in bed naked and luxuriate in each other’s skin after some frantic pounding that gets all those good endorphins going.
Some days I have felt so exhausted when we start making love and yet, by the end of it, I am as light as a feather. My head and body buzzing with energy. We have reconnected and rejuvenated each other. It’s almost as if we plug in – like Seven Of Nine in Star Trek – to our mutual hub and spark off each other.
If ever we do have a full-time relationship – in whatever form that may take – we have agreed that we have to avoid the passion killer method of sex. Where couples copulate because they feel they have to.
We are determined to set aside one weekend per month as ‘us’ time. A designated haven of naked sexuality that will allow us to recharge our batteries and reconnect with the things that we most love about each other. Like an oasis of calm amongst the busy days.
And I know a marriage that has survived by doing just that, so I have a fabulous example to follow x
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