My ex is not a bad man.
I don’t think he even realises that he does it.
But he systematically destroyed my confidence over a period of almost three decades. In some areas, it wasn’t so much what he said or did but what he didn’t. In others, his disrespectful behaviour was so obvious as to have been unbelievable. Could it possibly be that he did it deliberately?
I remember my mother-in-law saying to me: ‘Don’t let him do to you what his father did to me.’
I didn’t quite understand what she meant at the time but, a quarter of a century later, I am in no doubt about the nature of her warning. In search of the quick laugh from the rest of the company, I too was often the butt of a throw away comment at my expense. Another woman might have shrugged it off without a thought but I was already psychologically damaged. I was susceptible to criticism. My mind grabbed hold of such bad press and refused to let go. Chewing away at it until it triggered some sort of physical response to atone for my failure.
Whether by accident or design, I was the victim in a mental abuse marriage but I refused to recognise the actions of my partner. He loved me and stayed with me when I was quite clearly unlovable and no one else would bother. And so I allowed the vicious cycle to continue.
Reading over at Sex etc, it was extraordinary to find someone else who also loves the Eminem/Rihanna song, despite all the connotations of relationship abuse. She too was a victim of a man who seems unable to help himself. And they both just keep going back to the same patterns of behaviour. Locked into the circle and unable to break free. Without the intervention of some other catalyst, that’s how so many abusive relationships continue.
For me, it was Ruf and my therapist. When someone repeatedly shows you how beautiful and lovable you are and demonstrates his own feelings of good fortune at your presence in his life, you eventually start to believe. But it takes repetition. As with most products, it takes at least seven exposures to a brand before a customer is ready to buy. That’s how the mind is. So, when my counsellor said: ‘And why are you still there?’ six weeks in a row, it eventually started to sink in. Combined with all the other good advice and positive thinking, I started to realise that I was actually a valuable property who was not only being taken for granted but actively abused.
Admittedly, it took some truly unconscionable behaviour to really drive the message home and show me how little value I held in the eyes of those closest to me, but all the pieces finally slotted together.
And yet, when I see a picture of him or think about him, there is still a part of my mind that is sad. That remembers the happier times and I wonder how I would react in the unlikely event that he talked about a rapprochement – especially if there was no Ruf in my life. Faced with the chance to do it again and make it right, I recognise the tiny part of me that might well reach out to take his extended hand.
Is this why people who should not be together remain so, despite all the obvious signs? A man who does not want to hurt his wife but still finds his hand raised against her? A woman who no longer wants to be abused but remains drawn to her assailant? Locked into a cycle of repetitive behaviour through routine. Because this is always the way that he responds to his frustration and she deals with her pain.
Familiarity.
Habit.
Break the pattern and move on into the future. You are worth more than this.
The father of my children remains, to this day, a master of psychological abuse. His second wife attested to this when she left him and came to me to debrief. The second ex-wife works in the same building as his new pick (far far away from me!) and told me it was very difficult for her not to approach the new one and spill the beans. ALl I had to say was: WOuld you have listened to me?”
In my case, he was physically abusive. SO… eventually… it was a no-brainer. I could leave him or kill him. And I certainly didn’t want to raise my children in that context. I had him picked up by the police.
He continues his games to this day. With the second wife, he held back on the physical stuff. But doubled up on the psych stuff. What a piece of work. Nevertheless, calling the police was very difficult. My own mother didn’t speak to me for two years.
Kudos to you, J. No one deserves to live her life feeling like a piece of shit.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with looking upon his countenance and feeling a measure of sadness; I don’t think many of us go into a marriage expecting it to fail but, rather, with high hopes for a shared future. It’s all too easy to build a complex fairytale castle upon the foundations of the relationship and even if the foundations turn out to be sand we can’t help but remember when the castle looked good and regret that it collapsed.
And this, I expect, is one reason why so many of us get trapped in relationships that, with hindsight, were not good for us. Such is the reluctance to cast aside all those hopes we built up that we tolerate far more than we really should. And, of course, the mental/psychological abuse gradually wears away our self-confidence so that we feel less and less able to leave and – as you point out – more and more grateful that someone will put up with such worthless wretches as we are.
Some people never escape. I’m glad you managed to find the strength to break the cycle … and well done to Ruf for helping :-)
Ro recently posted..BMI Bloody Mindless Idiocy
S, Obviously he is aware about the physical stuff, but do you think the psychological stuff is deliberate? And so often these guys are totally charming to the rest of the world…
Hey Ro, interesting to realise that it is not always women who are on the receiving end x
The psychological stuff can be so complicated that it’s sort of impossible to trace. I had a relationship a few years back where we were both cruel and undermining and abusive to one another. I have never been like that before or since, and I would imagine that she would say the same (even though I don’t actually know). There was something about our combination that was turning us both into abusers/victims for one another.
I’ve spent a good deal of time thinking about it, and I’m still not sure what turned a decent guy and a sweet girl into vindictive assholes when they were in each other’s company, but I’m two girlfriends removed from that time and it hasn’t happened since.
I’m not saying your relationship was anything like that of course, just sharing my experience with the topic.
Rhacodactylus recently posted..If Youre Going To Misuse Science- Do It For A Good Cause
I agree with the idea one of the posters had in alluding to relationships being built upon strong foundations and solid structure, even when that may be delusional. It’s much easier to pretend, make excuses, and delay the end of, in your mind, a solid relationship that’s struggling. Abuse isn’t even necessary, in my opinion. I suppose, in some way, it would be abuse, but even a deluded intimacy and commitment to a failing relationship will take a similar path, I believe.
I think these kinds of relationships are a product of some of our natural want to fix things. We want so much to make them work that we’ll go so far as to make ourselves pillars to support the failing structure, taking as much weight as needed, sacrificing for commitment to the whole structure. Some people will only collapse because the structure falls down without them, out of their control.
This is so well-written, Joanna, thank you.
Of course you are sad when reminded of what’s gone. I think our minds tend to gloss over, wash away, and forget the bad stuff…and romanticize the good times.
Thank goodness you’re happy now. I love to read about how well things have turned out for you.
<3
LambChop recently posted..A Quickie
Hey Rhac, Thanks for sharing because that is really interesting. Thinking about it, I know some couples who seem to thrive on being sarcastic/ironic/almost unpleasant to each other. It;s like a war of attrition being in their company and yet, to the outsider, they seem to revel in it, happily scoring points off each other. Is it pheromones? Is it action and reaction in terms of behaviour? Are we more or less dominant/submissive/sensitive with certain people? These are the questions we want answered by our scientists, not studies on whether the girl with the biggest bazookas gets the most tips ;P
I loved this explanation! Thank you so much for commenting x
She does, end of story. Psychology is such a hard field for good science, and there are so many deluded pretenders to the throne. To lots of people, Tony Robbins (not sure if you all are subjected to him over there) and Richard Wiseman sound equally well informed . . . it’s a shame.
Rhacodactylus recently posted..Bill Hicks On Comedy And Maybe Life
As you know I was also in an emotionally abusive relationship. Even now 4 years down the line my ex still tries to coerce me into having him back.
I too have wondered whether he knew what he was doing. But a few months ago I met a very charming man, I liked him a lot but then chatting online days later. He asked why I left my husband. Once I had told him about the mental abuse he confessed to having driven his wife to suicide by his mental abuse of her. He told me that my husband would have been well aware of what he was doing to me.
Unbelievably this man cannot understand why I refuse to meet him again. even though I have made it clear that after what I have been through it would be stupid of me to knowingly put myself back into a similar situation.
I am so glad that you have Ruf supporting you.
In my case my catalyst was HRT
Rhac, I’ve never heard of either of those guys…
LiR – Step away from the dickhead! That really is quite extraordinary. I guess the very fact that he could admit to his behaviour driving his wife to suicide so glibly means that he has learned nothing from the experience. Or maybe he lives with himself by trying to brazen it out?
I would like to give my ex the benefit of the doubt but Im sure, at some subconscious level, he was aware of what he was doing but, to him, itwas his way of controlling things, just as anorexia was mine.
Whatever, like you, I don’t ever intend to allow someone to treat me like that again, even if it is in the name of love.
I recently remarried, after a 20 yr marriage to a man that was not abusive but was, kind of hard to explained: I had a very good position and made 6 figures having worked very hard in my career for 27 yrs., at work I met a man, charming, handsome, charismatic, well to do, all the attributes a women seeks, we started to date and he literally courted me the old fashion way, I was sweep off my feet! We got very involved and in a very short time 6 weeks he asked me to marry him (I had been divorced for 2 months) I said YES he was perfect (or so I thought) but I set the date 6 months from the date, he agreed then a few days later he asked if I had asked for 6 months because I would change my mind? That sounded odd but I said NO why would you say that? He said “I love you so much I want to make you my wife and show you off to all my friends after 15 yrs of being divorced love arrived again”! I was flattered and agreed, we set the date 5 weeks and had a Romanic wedding at a charming B & B with 25 guest (we are both in our 50′s) this is my 3rd marriage and his 4th…. He wanted me to quit my job because he was comfortable and traveled a lot had several homes over seas and wanted me with him (sounded great) there was no per-nup but he is not a US national and his assets are overseas.
Now the nightmare begins, during the honeymoon I see he has changed it was like Jekyll and Hide, one moment he loved me, one he was arguing like crazy putting me down, then he started controlling the money I spent, and like I was no longer working I depend on him totally… After almost a year I have realized that his charm is meant for the outside world. he can be the most lovable of men and the most coldest, he is a charmer amongst his friends and family kissing me, saying how he loves me, etc but once its Dr. Jekyll it a horror… I know I am being abused that I know but at my age I am not hirable, he has taken all my resources, and I am ashamed to be a failure again, I know I can’t allow this for long or I will be like Alice in Wonderland (In the rabbit hole to deep to get out) I live in a different city, I have no friends, nobody to reach out to, I feel trapped.. All the while everyone thinks I married the prince of princes, we have been to Europe twice, Orient, South American everywhere, personal jet THE WHOLE CHABANG! but I am a prisoner.. Help I need advice or I will shrivel up like a flower that is dying, he is killing my spirit. I am writing very fast so he cant see me, he watches everything I do and never leaves my side, I have no alone time EVER!!!!! Why do they do this????????????
Phew Lila, you poor thing! First off, have this big virtual hug x
I showed your message to Ruf and he said ‘So, what should she do?’ As I paused for breath he went on:
‘Get. Out. Now.’
And he’s right.
If you are as unhappy as your response implies, then why are you still there? Financial security cannot buy you love.
It’s no good being afraid, because you’re just going to get more scared as time goes on. Read your message back to yourself and imagine what you would say to one of your friends in the same situation?
There must be people from your old life who would be prepared to give you a roof over your head for a while? Some of those who were present at your wedding? In the meantime, you need to see a lawyer who can advise you of the legalities regarding money. It certainly does not belong to him as you brought your own finances into the marriage and, if you want to leave, you should be able to at least leave with those.
I don’t know where you are located but I was reading about this type of situation recently and I seem to recall that it was possible to call 311 in the US to get help and advice.
I think, these days, agencies are more accepting of the fact that a person who can seem perfectly charming to the outside world can be a shit within a marriage – both male and female. Even more importantly, it’s not like it was in the old days when the man had the money and all the power and the woman had to put up with the situation.
More modern thinking also takes into account that mental abuse can be as cruel as the physical variety so it is a valid excuse for wanting a divorce. Often the dominant spouse does not even realise that s/he is being a bully but if any behaviour is detrimental to the health of their partner, then it must be cause for a separation. It’s not about blame but about saving your self respect and sanity.
I stayed in my marriage for years because of my children.
You don’t have to remain in a relationship that seems to bring you only fear and disillusionment. Get some expert advice on your legal position and then take an informed view.
After finding out about your options, if you still love him and want to try to make the marriage work, then you’re going to have to talk to him and get him to go to couples counselling with you. That’s the only way forward down this route – things cannot remain as they are. As I said earlier, he may not even realise what he’s doing or how unhappy he is making you. Certainly his words of love dont seem to mirror his physical actions and maybe you need to explain that to him. An independent guide would be able to explain to both of you the consequences of certain actions and reactions.
So, my advice to you is to seek some professional help so that you understand your legal and financial position. This will allow you to make an informed choice about the future. It sounds cold but, at times like these, you need to separate out the emotion and become practical if you want to survive.
That’s what I did x