Mature Anorexia

For the duration of my pregnancy and the first two years of my daughter’s life, I was a recovering anorexic and I thought that phase of my life had passed for good.

And then came the Terrible Twos! That’s the time that I begin to remember the problems with her father coming to the surface. He didn’t want to ‘break her spirit’ so he would not call her out for bad behaviour and if I instituted any punishment for acting up during my day with her, upon his return from work, he would not enforce it and, indeed, seemed to deliberately countermand it in her hearing.

Both my children learned very early on that if they made enough fuss, their father would cave in to whatever they desired but, worse, he would take their side against me in situations where I was trying to curb that attitude. It became clear very quickly that, as a result, I had no authority as a parent.

I would stand open-mouthed in disbelief as he told me off in front of them for remonstrating with either of them about their behaviour. But, because I didn’t believe in parents arguing in front of their children, I would say nothing.

I just let it happen.

My counsellor says that I must take issues like this which cause me distress and analyse them properly. I need to look at the incident carefully. Explain what happened and how I felt. And then some hours later, I must go back and look at the writing as if I were my own best friend and assess it dispassionately. Advise myself as if I were comforting and guiding a friend.

Looking back at these events now, I know what is wrong.

I LET IT HAPPEN. I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING WHEN I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM TO FUCK OFF RIGHT THERE AND THEN.

And I have continued to do it because I now regard it as pointless to make a fuss since, on the occasions that I have later drawn these issues to his attention, he refuses to accept that there is any blame attached to him. He does not take into account the events leading up to a disagreement. He does not understand that children continually and repeatedly push at the boundaries to ascertain the reaction. He judges purely on what he is seeing at that moment and, in his view, I was shrieking like a fishwife and being unfair to the children. He does not believe in the United Front of Parents. He thinks I am in the wrong, so they are right to stick up for themselves and he will support them in their struggle against this injustice.

It has become clear to me that his one thought is to avoid a confrontation at the time and so he chooses the path of least resistance.

Faced with a choice of fighting with one of his stroppy children, a process which could go on for hours and will end in his capitulation anyway, or playing placid little me as the villain, in the certain knowledge that I will not make an immediate fuss…?

It’s obvious, really, isn’t it?

But do you know the worst part? For probably different reasons, my father behaved very similarly towards my mother.

So, despite everything I promised myself as a teenager, I repeated her mistake.

I did not ‘marry my father’ as the saying goes but I allowed my Husband to treat me with the same callous disregard without speaking up for myself.

Of course, my tried and trusted control methods all came back… and then some.

But, even when I looked almost skeletal, nothing was said.