Make It So!

I saw a Counsellor a few days ago.

My first time.

It is probably something I should have done years ago.

He knew I was going. When I told him, he said that I shouldn’t feel any pressure to do things quickly if it would impinge upon my recovery. He didn’t say so, but I guess it made him feel better. Confirmed his suspicion that it wasn’t his fault, but my unstable mental state that had brought us to this pass.

Ruf too is relieved that the appointment has finally come around. It must be tough on him having a non/pre-proper girlfriend who has been close to a basket case at times. He has been a fount of calm, practical support (most of which was reiterated by the Counsellor) but I know he has been very worried about me.

But this is part of the problem, apparently. My problem. I’m telling you about them. Thinking about them, wondering about the impact upon them, rather than focussing on me. I do that all the time. I try to work out the best time to do something based upon its effect upon the people around me, rather than when it is best or convenient for me.

Over the years, I have been told that I am selfish on so many occasions that I have come to believe it. But, in retrospect, those occasions always seemed to be when I wouldn’t do what other people wanted me to and, when it comes to the crunch, it would seem that I am actually not selfish enough when it counts. That I allow guilt to control my actions. And, as a result, I put everyone else’s feelings before my own to the extent that I become a worthless non-person in my own eyes.

If someone pays me a compliment, I deny it and brush it aside, whereas I remember every single negative comment whether it was intentional or not.

If this continues, the end product would be someone who is unable to perform any of the functions of a parent or even have the ability to care for herself.

The Counsellor said that to try to deal with such a momentous event, as well as the transition of my children from teenagers to young adults, at the same time as my impending Menopause is guaranteed to be a very difficult period but he does not necessarily predict that divorce or separation would be the inevitable conclusion to our discussions, except that this is what I want. I believe that I need my independence so that I can change the dynamic of my relationship with my children. I want them to start to see me in an environment where their father does not control the financial/emotional key as far as they are concerned. They should see me in control of my own destiny, interacting with people who want to spend time with me and don’t continually mock me, even if it is partly in jest. As a person who exists in her own right and not as an extension of someone else.

I did not mention Ruf’s existence in the session but I think I need to talk to Ruf himself about the whole non/pre-proper girlfriend status. Maybe it is just insecurity on my part but, although I laugh with him about it and know in my heart how much he cares for me, I think, subconsciously, that it is an issue. I need a label that reflects his feelings not his frustration.

I have come away with some exercises that will help me to relax and stop continually tensing my muscles, as well as a way to assess the difficult emotional encounters of the next few weeks in a more dispassionate way. Accessing my rational, unemotional adult brain rather than the ‘desperate-to-please’ childlike one that I have been wont to use with my family. I was encouraged to continue with this blog, which has been so cathartic – even if that is something of a cliche these days.

He said he thought I was very brave to have come to terms with and controlled my anorexia and extremely self-aware for someone in my situation. And, instead of decrying his assessment of my state, for the first time, I just replied: ‘Thank you.’

I have some more sessions booked for June but I know now that I have to start moving ahead with the flat purchase, even if it does scare the pants off me. Because, whilst things may be bearable now when I am not addressing areas that are likely to be contentious, it is unlikely that this situation can continue for long without deteriorating into the abject of misery of last month.

Even if I don’t move in straightaway, I will have my bolthole to escape to when that time does come.

As Jean-Luc Picard would say: ‘Make it so…’