Long Distance Relationships

The most striking thing about being part of a long distance relationship is the way that the depth of emotion involved is heightened by the infrequency of the meetings.

This leads to an extraordinary sensory perception where tastes, smells, textures and sounds all take on a peculiar identity of their own, forming precious memories to fall back on when you cannot physically see that special person.

A friend who split up with a long term, long distance lover recently told me that he had never felt such a poignant intensity at its loss. Just sniffing her tshirt, which he kept in a drawer in his office, could reduce him to tears at the thought of never smelling her again. I tried to explain that it was the very uncertainty of their next encounter that made him feel such a huge attachment. We just appreciate so much more fully that which we cannot have.

A lot of long distance relationships begin online these days. People meet through chat rooms or dating sites or hobby forums and they get talking.

Without the hindrance of visible physicality, a person’s soul is allowed to shine through. And whilst, in a few cases, this soul can be a wolf in sheep’s clothing, deceptive, deceitful and rancorous, for many it is the start of a beautiful connection with a like-minded individual.

My own friendship with my lover began on a hobby forum and graduated through meetings at various seminars to online conversations that became the most important part of my day.

When we did finally get naked, we knew each other so well mentally and emotionally that the physical connection produced almost tangible fireworks. The slow, slow build up of Ravel’s Bolero culminated in the final act of the 1812 overture.

It was never meant to become a serious relationship, but it was impossible to ignore the depth of feeling and the passion that just didn’t seem to go away, no matter how many times we tried to exhaust it.

So, now I find myself committed body and soul to a man who lives 200 miles away. We both have separate lives and demands upon our time which mean that we cannot be together permanently… for now.

As a result, when we are in each other’s company, we never waste time with arguing or nit-picking. If there is a bone to be chewed, we do it immediately, allowing no time for anything to fester and spoil the precious time that we do have once or, if we’re lucky, twice every month.

We spend a wonderful weekend and then we return to our separate homes. Being able to have quality time alone is also important. Much as we love and miss each other, the freedom to ‘do as you please’ is strong in both of us and I think that we might crave that independence if cocooned together permanently.

What we have is not totally real. The mundane never impinges upon the quality time, so we don’t really know whether we would feel the same if we did live together full time.

Would those little idiosyncrasies, which seem so endearing in isolation, actually become incredibly irritating if exposed to them every day? Would we fight over whose turn it is to put the bins out or clean the toilet?

More importantly, would our spending priorities prove to be our downfall? You can never really know a person until you have to share a bank account with them. No matter how wonderful they are in bed, if they cannot resist spending your last penny on a pair of shoes or an electrical gizmo, it’s going to cause friction.

But, for now, I will just appreciate the fact that we never have the luxury of getting bored with each other; enjoy the way he telephones me at night to read me a bedtime story and anticipate the next time that we can get naked together.

Because sexual attraction is also a key factor. Sleeping beside someone every night engenders a certain cavalier attitude to that person. Human beings live such protected lifestyles that, for most, there is an innate tendency to take for granted what we can always lay our hands upon.

As I wander around the bedroom, I am aware of his eyes upon me and the predatory lust in his gaze. It makes me feel wanted and alive. If only we could capture and bottle that feeling, a lot more long-term relationships might survive the rocky road of matrimony.

If I’m honest, I like living with a long-distance relationship and I can’t help wondering if it’s actually a better option than a conventional marriage.