Letting Go

I found this over at Ordinary Girl.

I wondered if I’d seen it five years ago, would I have saved myself an awful lot of heartache?

Or do I need to have done what I’ve done in order to truly appreciate the veracity of the remark?

Sometimes, when I’m at the house, I do have regrets. I miss the warmth that I tried to build in that home. I miss the sense of family. Of being with my children on a daily basis.

I miss the intimacy of a proper marriage.

And then I realise.

That I can’t remember the last time that I felt I had a proper marriage. That I’m longing for something that never really existed outside my own head, despite my best efforts.

It was always sabotaged.

And I blamed myself for the failure, for not working hard enough, for not persisting and fighting and putting across my point of view successfully. For not making him understand.

But the truth is that I could never have made it work because it always takes co-operation and when someone else has a different agenda, that is never going to be achieveable.

I tried to hang on when there was nothing to hold on to.

And, eventually, the inevitable happened.

I fell.