Infidelity Definition

Going back through my archives, I found a post that I wrote three years ago about infidelity.

It was interesting to read my thoughts back then and compare them to some of my feelings now, particularly when it comes to the definition of infidelity. Ruf and I have spent a lot of time reading a book, The Mastery of Love by a Toltec preacher called Don Miguel de Ruiz which analyses our behaviour and reactions to a variety of situations.

He speaks in particular of our guilt about sex and the tricks that the mind plays on us in reaction to the body’s instinctive behaviour. He gives the example of a Catholic wife who, one day, feels a strong attraction to a man crossing the street in front of her. She feels an attraction – or at least her body does – but it doesn’t mean that she is going to do anything about it.

When the stimulation is gone, the body lets go, but the mind needs to justify what the body feels. The mind knows and that’s the problem.

Later, just thinking about that man raises her temperature again because the body reacts to the powerful memory that is in the mind. If the mind would leave the body alone, that reaction would go away as if it never happened.

But the mind just keeps poking away at the scab and, because she has sworn vows to be loyal, she starts to judge herself and repress her feelings. The more she tries to push them down, the more she thinks about it and, when she sees the man again, her body reacts more strongly.

If she had just let go of the judgement the first time, accepted what had happened and laughed at the reaction of her body rather than getting all mentally guilty, the feelings would have passed but, instead, the man becomes an obsession. For whatever reason, they meet properly and become lovers. It’s very attractive because she is excited, afraid and guilty and all those feelings add to the sexual attraction, not because he’s a good lover but because of the release of all those tensions when they do physically interact.

And the spiral of guilt and excitement goes deeper and deeper downwards.

Infidelity is the eventual response of our body to our mind’s over-reaction to our body’s original stimulation. Does that make sense?

Our body feels an attraction to certain people instinctively through pheromones and if we just acknowledge it and move on, all would probably be well. But our mind blows it up out of all proportion and, if we are feeling dissatisfaction with our current relationship, then the chances are that it will push the body to consummate that attraction whereas, if we were happy with our current situation, it probably would not.

This is the time when we need to talk to our Significant Other.

It is interesting to read what I wrote three years ago when I was having a relationship with Ruf but I did not feel safe because he wanted more from me than I could give at that time. A proper girlfriend not someone else’s wife. That insecurity made me think and behave in ways that I would not now.

Sure, I will still return the smile of an attractive stranger and wonder, momentarily, what if… but, over the past few days, I have been contacted by several lovely fellows through Facebook who, it would seem, are keen to engage and indulge in a spot of online or telephonic flirtation.

In days gone by, I would have accepted such attentions gladly but, today, I ask myself: ‘How would I feel if Ruf were to do such a thing?’

There is a fine line in every day life between being innocently flirtatious in full view of other people and engaging in one-on-one communication via other media.

As to providing succour to a friend in need, would I do it again now? Probably not. Because I am in a secure and very happy relationship. I do not need to indulge those desires even if it is to help a friend.

Pandora’s Box and all that.

So, the infidelity definition – I’d say that straying starts when you respond to your mind’s incessant prodding and, instead of acknowledging that it was a physical attraction that has been overblown by the emotional stagnancy of your current relationship and start exchanging risque mobile phone texts or internet communications with someone else.

It may be ‘just a bit of fun’ but it’s the first step down an increasingly slippery slope and you would be far better to address the real issues. Of course, if such action has already failed and you don’t want to leave your relationship for whatever reason, infidelity is a tried and tested option to improving your self-esteem. So long as both parties know the score and one is not going to be pressing the other for a more permanent position, it can be save a ‘marriage’ in the short-term, as I can testify.

However, in the long term, whether that relationship will really last and, indeed, whether it should endure is a totally different question.

‘If you can love your partner the way she is, if you can open your heart completely to your partner, you can reach heaven through your love’

Don Miguel Ruiz
The Mastery of Love – A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship, A Toltec Wisdom book