When I was contacted by the lovely people at Illicit Encounters, my first thought was: ‘Oooh, tacky!’
But, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that this is actually a pretty valuable service for a lot of marriages out there.
MsR recently raised the question about whether the decision to cheat was a spur of the moment thing or something that developed over a period of time.
For me, it was definitely the latter. A conscious decision to try to make things better. After years of trying to work at my marriage and remaining miserable and unfulfilled, on New Year’s Eve 2004, I promised myself that I would find myself a lover who could meet my needs.
I didn’t want to leave my children or my lifestyle, but I did want a man who would love me just for me.
For once in my life, I was going to be selfish and put myself first.
I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.
I had already been through the trauma of an online relationship with The Catalyst, a married man with a family, who thought he wanted an affair but, when push came to shove, realised that the actual physicality of such a thing with all those emotions and feelings was just too much for him to deal with.
In the absence of some affection and appreciation from his wife, he wanted the excitement and attention of a virtual relationship. But he couldn’t cope with the additional pressures that this entailed. The sudden understanding that he had these incredible feelings for someone other than the women with whom he had walked down that aisle. The realisation that he was breaking a sacred vow almost without meaning to.
However, a year or two later, as my relationship with Ruf grew, I began to understand that an affair with a single man held equally as many problems, just of a different kind. This was a man who wanted more than to be the equivalent of my ‘mistress’. To be fitted in when I was available.
Perhaps if Illicit Encounters had been available to me back in 2005, I would have joined up. To have an affair with a married man who understood the rules. That there would be emotional attachment, but that this would in no way impinge upon the feelings that either party had for their spouse. That this was totally separate from that relationship.
An addition.
A bolt-on.
Something to fill the gaps and plug the holes and, hopefully, stave off what might seem to be the inevitable descent into the void of divorce.
A decision made by grown ups, who didn’t want to run away from their familial commitments but for whom something more was a necessity if they were to continue to fulfil those responsibilities. To be unfaithful, but in a more controlled way than just trawling the internet looking for love and without having to deal with all the problems that go with such unfettered infidelity.
On a day when a lot of people will be taking stock and making resolutions, if you fall into this category, then you should click here and see what the future has in store.
And of course , for my US readers, there’s Ashley Madison
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