‘If you are making life too comfortable at home, why would they get a job?
Back in January, the papers were full of Lord Mandelson’s leaflet ‘Parent Motivators’, which gave this piece of sage advice, along with the fact that nagging your kids to go and get a job doesn’t work.
Well, no shit, Sherlock!
According to statistics, there are two million young adults still leaving in the family home in the UK – with around 500,000 of them aged 35-44!!!
Now I appreciate that many of the latter will have found themselves in the invidious position of divorced spouses who are paying so much to support their offspring that it does not leave enough to provide a second home and it is far more comfortable to move back in with the parents whilst the financial situation sorts itself out. However, some of them will never have fled the safety of the parental nest and that’s quite a scary prospect because the current generation look set to be increasing those figures by a large amount.
Remembering back to my own teenage years, I was already running a house and holding down a job by the time I was 19. Most of my friends were desperate to move out and find their own flats. We all left school or college determined to make our way in the world and would find work to achieve that end, no matter how low-paid.
In those days, I’m sure there was no such thing as Jobseeker’s Allowance, which paid us £50 a week whilst we ‘found a job’, or ‘colleges’, where kids who have flunked at school can be paid ‘£30′ a week just so they won’t have to be listed on the ‘Jobseekers’ register. A friend was telling me recently about a temporary job he had landed where he found himself trying to teach some basic skills to such youngsters. The problem was that the majority were not interested in learning and when he read them the Riot Act, he was told by the full-time teachers to let the kids get on with it – the same way that they did. If both parties were left to their own devices, then everyone got paid and there was no conflict.
When quizzed on what the future held, these youngsters already had it mapped out. They would do their college ‘course’ for as long as it was paid and continue to live with their parents. Then, if their parents refused to support them any longer, they would get assisted accommodation and Jobseeker’s Allowance before going ‘on benefits’.
It just seems so wrong. Where is the motivation for these children to go out and become productive members of the community? They have everything provided for them at home – TV, computer, music, laundry, cooked meals, waitress service. And, unlike when I was a teenager, invariably, they are not asked to contribute to the household financially to compensate for the additional heat/light/power/water/food that they use.
Again, in stark contrast to the parent/child divide of my teenage years, today’s youngsters have lots of common interests with their parents – music, television programmes, films, hobbies – so there is nothing for them to kick against. No consuming passion to get away.
And with pocket money provided by the State to cover a night out every week with their mates, what is to encourage them to move out and provide for themselves?
It was one of the things that tore my ex and I apart. I wanted to encourage their independence by getting them to pull their weight around the house doing household chores to earn pocket money. He just wanted to wait on them hand and foot and take on all the unpleasant aspects of life on their behalf.
Now that I am not there to take up the slack, he finds himself doing a full day’s work and coming home to a sink full of dishes and crisp-strewn carpets. But, instead of laying down the law, he just sighs and tidies up, muttering discontentedly to himself and anyone else who will listen.
Sadly, he is not alone in this attitude.
From Helicopter Parent, the transition continues to Hotel Parents.
My sister has a 34yo nestling who has never left the nest. He has a full-time job and contributes to the household finances and does housework. Just never lived on his own.
I’m like you – I don’t see how this helicopter/hotel parenting is going to be good. So, once Son had done his GCSEs, I paid for him to do a lifeguarding course, and now he works – nearly every weekend.
While he’s still in education, I won’t ask for money towards housekeeping, but I now expect him to pay for things, rather than expecting me to shell out for his fun ‘n games. He is also expected to pay for his own clothes. If he borrows money, I insist I get it back by the next pay day – and as his employer, I know exactly how much he is earning, so I know better than most that I will be getting my money back! :) This is how my father was with me, and I don’t see anything wrong with having the same approach.
I am married to a man who was “mothered” – thanks to the benefit of hindsight, I will not be raising another!!
Helga Hansen recently posted..Only the Lonelies
The US government doesn’t give people who’ve never had jobs any money just for looking. That might be a good thing. My son FINALLY did get a job after months of looking but doesn’t make enough to live on his own. I want him to pay board, my ex doesn’t think he should, it’s a source of endless conflict.
xl – I suppose there are going to be some guys who do get to 34 without finding a partner to give them the impetus to move away. Does it make it better that they contribute to the household? I suppose the question really is how does your sister feel about it?
Hi Helga! I’m with you totally. You want your kids to have a gentle learning curve when it comes to dealing with real life. If you don’t provide the proper setting, it can be an awfully rude awakening in the big wide world.
Nitebyrd, Im certainly in favour of the Jobseekers Allowance. However, I just think it shouldn’t be money for nothing. There should be requirement to do some form of community service in return for that money whilst you are looking for work. And if your offspring is working, they should be contributing for their share of the electricity – even if you keep the money and give it back to them in a lumpsum as the down payment on a flat eventually. It’s the whole ethos of learning how to budget. If we don’t teach them, how will they learn?
Gah..this hits so close to home. This is also a MAJOR point of contention between myself and my ex. I am in the same boat as you. I decided to stop fighting with my ex about our oldest son and since he is “sponging” off her I figured when she finally gets tired of it she will do something about it.
Unfortunately, it paints me as the bad parent with him when the truth is the biggest disservice we can to do to our children is to NOT kick them from the nest and teach then to learn how to fly on their own. In turn we are creating what is for all intents and purposes a dysfunctional adult. I too was out on my own by the time I was 17 and never looked back. Granted today’s economy is a little bit harder and teens are competing with adults for the same low paying entry level jobs. However, I know it can be done because my oldest daughter is managing on her own. It’s not a dream house and she is not driving a new car, but she is tasting independence and loving it, so I know it is possible if you work hard.
Kenny recently posted..It was just a stupid sandwichand yet
Hey Kenny, Absolutely. Did we have big houses and new cars when we were first starting out? No, we walked instead of taking the bus to save a few pennies here and there. That’s what character forming is about. It makes you appreciate any good fortune that comes your way rather than just taking it for granted. Character forming as our forebears would have said :)
I’m not going to say much now because once I start I shall get on my soap box. Suffice to say that my evening has been a tearful one (on my part) due to the attitude of my teenagers most particularly the one who is home from Uni.
Lir