Everyone Has a Little Voice

I don’t mention Little Voice so often these days but it’s still there, trying to drown out my happiness and highlight my insecurity.

So it was interesting to sit with a business colleague and hear the steps that his therapist is asking him to take to deal with his ‘Inner Voice’.

Every time it speaks, he has to write it down in a little book.

It was fascinating to watch the fear and embarrassment with which he talked about that book.

And yet I understood completely when he told me some of the things he had written down and then had read back to him by the therapist.

He was quite literally squirming.

But I know how he feels and I explained.

Ruf and I can be lying in bed, noses touching, wrapped in each others arms as he tells me how much he loves me.

And then Little Voice will appear on my shoulder. I hold up my hand as if I was wearing a sock puppet and make the mouth that will say out loud the horrible things it whispers in my ear.

‘What a wanker! He must be if he thinks you’re any good..’

I try to drown it out but the damage is gone and the moment spoiled.

The trooper that he is, Ruf fills my jug of love every day with his honest affection. He wraps me up in it trying to stifle the inner turmoil and prevent further damage.

But it doesn’t matter how much he loves me or how much I can see the admiration in the eyes of my work colleagues at what I have achieved or hear the protestations of my brilliance.

At the end of the day, if I can’t silence Little Voice, then to myself I am still worthless.