Divorce Rate Statistics - The Seven Myths

I am indebted to Orli Peter Ph.D. for his Seven Myths of Divorce which discusses a variety of media stereotypes relating to divorce.

Myth 1: Most men cheat on their wives.
Actually, the best designed study to date indicates that nearly 80% of men report that they have never cheated on their wives.

As far as I am aware, even though he was clearly unhappy and we did not have sexual relations for many years, my Husband remained faithful.

Myth 2: Most divorcing women are jilted by their husbands.
Many studies have corroborated that the great majority of divorces (two thirds to three quarters, depending on the study) are initiated by women. This makes sense because numerous studies indicate that men are generally happier being married than are women, they report less marital frustration and dissatisfaction, and are less likely to consider the option of divorce.

In my experience, it is certainly more often the women who initiate the divorce. We talk amongst ourselves and it is usually pretty obvious which marriages are destined for disaster by the venom of the discussion. Men, on the other hand, may have a bit of a moan but are less likely to want to upset the status quo… unless there is another woman involved. Cherchez la femme… as they say.

Myth 3: Women bitterly regret divorce.
Most divorced women do not regret divorcing. Moreover, divorced women are generally happier than divorced men. And one large study suggests that many middle-aged women become happier after their divorce. These women showed an increase in positive self-image and self-esteem and were inspired by their divorce to gain more control of their lives. Many enjoyed sex more after their divorce.

Amen to all of that! I regret that I couldn’t make my marriage work but I am not sorry to now be separated because I am so much happier. My own personality has been allowed to blossom and my self-esteem has grown as a result. And, as for the sex…? Well, you only need to read this blog :)

Myth 4: Women emerge from divorce more emotionally scarred and psychologically damaged than do men.
This is generally not true. Not only are divorced women happier than divorced men, but they are better off emotionally too. In study after study they consistently outscore divorced men on psychological tests to assess emotional health and well-being.

As I mentioned above, any emotional scarring occurred during the course of my marriage. Liberated from those preset patterns, I am stronger. How he is dealing with the separation is hard to say. As usual, he would not dream of revealing his feelings on the subject.

Myth 5: Ex-spouses are highly antagonistic toward one another, even to the point of acting unethically.
Divorced couples, of course, vary widely in the civility of their interactions. But about half of divorced men and women even describe their relationship with their ex-spouse as friendly or cooperative.

I was talking with another separated friend about this recently. We have both tried to keep relations as amicable as possible. After all, this man was my best friend and life partner for decades. What normally causes problems are financial matters or the discovery of infidelity. They are not two of the seven deadly sins for nothing. Greed and Lust can do nothing but promote bad feeling. So long as everyone tries to remain honest and fair, it should be possible to maintain a good working relationship, especially if you have children. My friend even hopes to build a relationship with her husband’s new partner. I would like to be able to do that myself at some point.

Myth 6: Most divorced men can remarry while most divorced women cannot.
It is true that divorced women are less likely than divorced men to want to remarry (after all, they are happier than the men with being divorced). But both groups do remarry at very high rates–and soon. About 80% of divorced men and 75% of divorced women remarry whether or not they have children, and most do so within three years.

I must admit that I do wonder if I actually want to get married again. Whilst I love the idea of being Mrs Ruf, part of me thinks that she would like to explore her hard-won freedom for a little while after the divorce. Having gone straight from my father’s house to a shared flat with my future husband, I’ve never actually been an independent single woman. However, I have always wanted to have a relationship with a man who adores me and isn’t afraid to tell me or show me – no matter who is watching. I am so lucky to have that with Ruf and to feel the same way in return. We’ll see.

Myth 7: The economic consequences of divorce devastate women more than men.
Women are generally worse off financially in the years immediately following a divorce. This has less to do with divorce than with the fact that women generally make less money than men. But, one important study indicates that, five years later, after most men and women have remarried, women’s household incomes increased slightly more above predivorce levels than those of their ex-husbands. Furthermore, one very recent study indicates that women are generally more satisfied with their divorce settlements than men, and that this satisfaction is stable over time.

Because of his profession, my husband kept me in a very good style. Ruf will struggle to match that level of financial security. But for all those material goods, I was desperately miserable. So I guess you have to accept that you cannot have it all and you have to take what you want with both hands.

Divorce doesn’t have to be gut wrenchingly awful if everybody behaves properly. I really hope that my own separation and eventual divorce can follow that path.