It’s been a difficult few weeks and I apologise for neglecting you.
I have been trying to come to terms with things – with the way that my life is panning out.
And it’s not quite how I imagined it. Relationships after divorce don’t just affect the husband and the wife.
In most families, when there is separation and divorce, there is ‘blame’ attached and the two families split apart to rally around their wronged scion.
For my husband’s family, life carries on to my exclusion – even though I was a part of it for thirty years. There are no party invites or telephone communications from my husband’s siblings, it is as if I do not exist.
However, with my own kin, things are rather different. My husband has always been embraced as another son and it is difficult for them to rip those feelings asunder. But it is worse than that.
He is invited to every family occasion and I almost feel as if it is me that is the guilty party in the split as far as they are concerned. Even though they know and acknowledge the problems with his inconsistent parenting. They do support my decision to leave… but they seem unable to deal with the etiquette of the aftermath.
How do you respond when your own father says he is unsure about meeting with your current beau because ‘he doesn’t want to be disloyal to [my ex]‘? I know that he has been like a son to him for more than three decades but blood is supposed to be thicker than water.
I have complained before that he stole my children… but now he seems to have snatched my family as well.
That’s all quite wretched, Joanna, and my heart goes out to you. Families and their perverse loyalties are dificult to contend with even in good times. Why do we end up being punished for making decisions we needed to make?
Dear Joanna, after nearly twenty years I am still the outsider, the one who does not “really” belong into “it”. I was a father to a human who is now a young man, but was never taken for full within that family.
I can not see / understand fully what all this must mean to you, when it is in your own family – see, my own one is dead.
All I know is that one can not force people to understand, empathy is nothing that could be ordered, it only can be learned, but needs reflection. All i can say is that loyality (at least in my family) always went along the line “how close is the one related to us?” This lead to some no good things too.
I do not know what your father is thinking, I do not know how he measures his loyality. You could ask him, if that is possible. You could ask him whether he understands fully what he does there. But sooner or later (sooner I guess) this would lead to a confrontation. I have no idea whether you can stand this. As I see it it is no question of “want” or “not want”, but survival, in emotional and personal and honourable respect. Nothing to be risked – it’s not my language, but you get what I say, yes?
Your actual question: I would simply ask him where his loyality lies. No answer required at once, but should make him think.
Heck, this goes an das Eingemachte – stright down to nitty-gritty (as my dictionnary translates) – if you start something there you first have to think, especially for some answers, prepare yerself, and most important: protect yerself. Because YOU are the only one to be suffering for sure.
Wretched is exactly right.
You’ve talked before about putting you and Ruf first. Maybe it’s time to say calm, assertive, brave things out loud? ‘You are my father. I need you to put your loyalty to me first.’
He doesn’t have to adopt Ruf as he adopted your husband, but he should not create situations where he rejects you in favour of your ex. That is wretched, and I think he needs to see it in that light.
MrW, thank you for sharing with me, it does help not to feel quite so much as if I was the only one who has endured such turmoil.
63m, I love that ‘an das Eingemachte’. I know that my dad would always put me first given the straight choice and I also understand his affection for his son-in-law. He’s getting old and doesnt quite see all the pieces of the jigsaw any more. It would be unfair to have a confrontation and make him do so but thank you so much for your support. As ever, my blog friends bundle me up in their group hug and things don’t look so dark in the morning :)
Jo, he doesn’t deliberately do it and we had a nice time when he did come out to lunch. He and Ruf got on well. As I said to 63m, I know my dad would always choose me over my ex and is probably unable to even consider that I might feel hurt as his mention of disloyalty to my ex because, I guess, the remark was aimed at Ruf not me.
Funny how now that I have been force to talk to my ex about Ruf, the subject of the ending of my maintenance payments has now raised its head. People do love to interfere with the status quo for their own benefit without realising the ramifications that may ensue.