Disempowering Parenting

I found a fabulous article about Parent Power by John Sharry on iVillage.

He talks about three types of disempowering parent and I was immediately taken back to some of the most difficult times of my marriage and the last ten years.

Over-protective parent:Doing everything for your teenagers, for example, waking them up in the morning, making their breakfast and lunch, tidying up for them, washing their clothes, covering for them when they miss homework etc.

This was a constant source of irritation and battle between me and my ex. I wanted them to earn their pocket money by doing personal chores for themselves – by at least keeping their rooms tidy and packing their own schoolbags – and contributing to the smooth running of the house by helping with the washing up or at least stacking and emptying the dishwasher. But he seemed unable to allow them this independence. When they reached an age where I felt it was time to stop running around after them like a sheepdog so that they could start learning how to look after themselves, for some reason he automatically stepped in to fill the breach. At the weekends, he would stop whatever he was doing and respond like a lackey to calls on the intercom for sandwiches and drinks to be brought up when the children were more than capable of coming downstairs and getting these items for themselves.

Critical parent: Nagging, correcting, instructing teenagers over every task without giving them space and responsibility – for example nagging them to do the job and then standing over them while they do it, even criticizing their attempts.

I have seen parents like this and I fear have sometimes, in frustration, have been guilty of it myself.

Permissive parent: Giving your teenagers excessive ‘space’ so that you are uninvolved and have little influence in their lives (meaning they learn little from you).

It’s a tough line to call. Not interfering but still being available and connected. Sometimes my daughter and I would spend more time chatting on MSN with just the ceiling of my computer room and the floor of her bedroom dividing us, than we ever did verbally in the same room. By subtracting the abrasive and provocative attitude of some body language, we found we could communicate more successfully.

The problem is that some teenagers are obsessed by the idea that their parents ‘never listen’. However, what they actually mean is that ‘after listening to endless hours of nonsense, their parents still refuse to let them have their own way’.

Despite their externally almost adult appearance, they are still emotionally immature and their version of events can be totally at odds with what actually happened. Even now, I recall one of my older friends complaining that her parents forced her to have her baby when she got pregnant at 16. However, if you speak to her mother, the story is rather different and she recalls my friend insisting on having the child. Those teenage ‘memories’ are notoriously unreliable and I often have to cut myself short when I start blaming my parents for some things that happened because, if I view the situation with a more adult eye, it is easy to see that I might actually have got things wrong.

Parents caring for themselves: So many parents become martyrs to their children, devoting all their time and energy to the task of parenting, without thinking of their [own] needs and wishes. Other parents become excessively focused on the problems and conflicts they have with their children and all their energy is spent disagreeing with their children or correcting and rowing with them. In both these positions, not only is the parent liable to burn out from stress and exhaustion, but their parenting becomes increasingly counter-productive and negative.

After I gave up and left, my ex was faced with having to run the house, work his job and pander to the needs of his almost adult offspring. He tried for several months, returning home to a house full of dirty cups and dishes, before becoming extremely grumpy and irritable. The trouble was that, as they complained, having not asked them to do any chores for 16 years, he couldn’t expect them to suddenly comprehend overnight that the house needed hoovering and one of them should do it.

My decision to remove myself from the situation was because I realised that I was becoming the second example given here. Every time I tried to parent, it became a battle – despite my resolutions to ‘try it differently this time’. The playing field had been set in such a way that the only possible outcome was a frustrated stalemate. My ability to parent had been eroded away and I was doing more harm than good by staying because I could no longer look after my own needs and rejuvenate sufficiently between arguments to approach the situation in a dispassionate way.

In the first example, the parents can become resentful and/or can become rundown, with little energy to relate to their children in a consistent, loving way. In the second, example, the correcting approach is liable to increase the power struggle between parent and teenager, and may lead to more rebellion, until either parent gives up or the teenager walks out. As the story above suggests, it is crucial to take time out to ‘sharpen the saw’. Parents should ‘press the pause button’ and take time to look after their won needs as well as attending to the needs of their children.

When parents’ own needs for care, comfort and fulfillment are met, they are freed up to attend fully to their parenting role. Children need cared-for parents as much ads they parents to care for them. The best way to help your child grow up to be confident people with high self-esteem is for you as their parent to model this – that is, to take steps to value, love and prioritise yourself.

You may protest that in your busy life you simply can’t afford to take time out for yourself. The reality is that you can’t afford not to. Think about the times you have been run down or exhausted or feeling low and how it was impossible then to do any of the ‘more important’ tasks. Remember the times you felt energetic and good about yourself and how easy it was too achieve things and to be kind and loving to others. A little bit of self-care goes a long way.

Teenagers need their parents to be in good health, both physically and mentally, in order to be able to parent effectively. However, by leaving it is incredibly easy to become disconnected. I no longer have my finger on the pulse to assess all the nuances of body language and marry them with that maternal instinct which remembers anything that was said, done or overheard that didn’t quite make sense.