I can feel it happening!
The inevitable loosening of the ties that have bound me so deeply to the security of this home.
I remember it from before, when I was faced with the certainty that I would have to leave my old house after so many years. I felt each root being inexorably wrenched out of my soul.
And now I feel it all again. Becoming detached emotionally is a tortuous business when you have invested so much effort in bonding with anything – whether it’s a building, a talisman or just a man.
When any form of relationship is ending you have to learn to let go.
Pull up the gang plank and prepare to sail away.
But that emotional detachment begins to extend to the rest of my psyche. It stops me from being able to receive Ruf’s love because I am so unsettled.
And so for several days after he arrived, we did not have sex. Damaged mentally and physically by the family death, the uncertainty over my future living space just compounds the stress and worry.
He senses my unease and my flightiness. I flit from one subject to the next and I cannot focus.
In bed, I cannot just relax into his arms. I am on tenterhooks.
It stops me from getting wet.
And then I remember that he will not be here tomorrow and I may not see him again for weeks.
The prospect of not sharing love with him becomes unthinkable.
Nestling my bottom into his groin, I start to perform the familiar wriggle, a recognised precursor to intimacy.
I do not have to ask, merely to gyrate my posterior so that the movement of that soft skin, raises tingles with its friction.
Feeling my mind melt into the moment as surely as my lower orifices start to secrete the liquid of my desire.
With one hot, blistered foot hanging out of the bedclothes, he raises the butt cheek of the other leg and achieves entry. Rolling me forward slightly to facilitate thrust.
In the half-light, he whispers, ‘You look so beautiful’, as he traces the line of my cheek, my shoulder, my breast.
And so we lie there, giving and receiving until he fills me up.
It is impossible not to smile at the sensation this releases inside me.
Not one of my biggest climaxes, but no less welcome.
Hi Joanna, I’m really sorry to hear there’s been a death in your family, no wonder you’ve been withdrawn. Wonderful that you opened yourself to connect with Ruf before he left again though.. especially as you became present enough to interrupt your ‘pattern’ of emotional detachment that you use to cope with change.
I recognise I use that coping mechanism too and it can be very frustrating for those close to me and I guess, for you too but you have hit gold with Ruf it seems, as he is there when you’re ready to say.. hold me.
And yes, you are beautiful :)
RawRRR recently posted..Joan Armatrading Love and Affection
Good. It’d be sad to close the good stuff out.
This home was an interim one anyway, maybe. Now you need to let go the letting go place. A new stage.
A climax is a climax and I believe each one is a blessing and fills me with gratitude. Some are better than others and a few are earth shatting, but WTF it always feels great. Meanwhile, my dear friend, may your other things get sorted out. My wish for you.
Mrwriteon recently posted..Let political correctness save our souls 4987
Aw, Sarah, thank you x
As usual, it’s only when you realise that you’re doing it, that you can start to deal with the problem extending beyond its natural boundaries. I think it’s probably a good way to deal with separation from anything so long as it doesnt affect other relationships. Of course, saying that is all very well, it’s doing it, that’s the problem x
Hey Jo, I guess that’s it, there are transition states that need to be gone through in property terms as well as the relationship itself x
Mr W, I was watching The Tudors last night on cd and one scene included quite an explicit and effective male climax, rather than focusing on the female. I was suddenly struck again by the very ‘unusualness’ of hearing the man groaning on the screen as I read your comment.
… a talisman?