“Please don’t”
I watched and felt my heart sink inside my chest as he sniffed the white line of powder into his nasal cavity.
The man I love beyond all things, who had spent the afternoon telling me how much he loved me and that I was the perfect woman, inhaled the narcotic and my world came crashing down.
Part of me wanted to reach out and dip my finger in the dust and snort it myself. To be with him, a part of his activity. To throw aside decades of caution and just experience what so many people rave about.
But I have spent fifteen years asserting to my children that they should say no to drugs. So how, in good conscience, could I throw all of that aside the first time I was exposed to temptation?
His friend, who had instigated the ‘party’, tried to reassure me about responsible adults indulging in recreational narcotics but he was missing the point.
Suddenly drugs were no longer the only issue. By ignoring my whispered plea, he had chosen coke over Cake and completely upset what had been a very stable applecart.
The differences in our two worlds had collided in one microcosm. What is normal for the majority of the people in his world is very much absent for most of the inhabitants of mine.
Sitting up in bed the following morning and drinking a cup of tea as he slept beside me, I tried to rationalise what had happened.
But all I could think of was that it was one of those fixed points in time. A crossroads that I would look back on and wonder whether I made the right decision.
My marriage contains one or two of those seminal moments and each time, in retrospect, I wonder if I made the wrong choice.
I don’t want to revisit this memory in the future and beat myself up because I allowed a relationship to continue when there was such an obvious level of disrespect.
But the thought of giving up this intimacy, the warmth of his arm around me, the glory of his love.
Am I just over-reacting? It’s not as if he’s a habitual partaker. He was just keeping his friend company.
Whatever, I don’t know what to do.
The two white lines sit between us – like the instruction to stop painted across the end of a road.
OMG! Am I reading this correctly, Cake? Is this a recent event or a past recollection?
I have never had a problem saying “No” in any situation but that’s me. Funnily enough, I discovered that some girls/women find that attractive. Everyone else is so busy saying “Yes”! Who is this guy saying “No”? Lol. Having said that, it has not prevented me from enjoying the company of Yes people; though I know the friendship/relationship is temporary. At least, from my perspective. My little voice reminds me about the blood trail and the hypocrisy of liberal minded types who should care but don’t. As for cokehead bankers…
btw I would like to print off your post about Dawn by the River, if you don’t mind and if I can find it. I would like to keep a paper record of those who have helped me. I’ve been self-promoting like crazy on various online forums; hard work. I’ve picked up a handful of readers, one of whom has promised a review by Christmas. Fingers crossed!
toby recently posted..Troubled Seas
Have you talked to him about it afterwards? He might not have realized what a big deal it is to you. I would make sure he knows in no uncertain terms that continued use will be a deal-breaker.
I think you already know what to do. It’s just hard.
Cake may have a few more calories then coke, but it is better for you.
Seriously though you really do need to sit down with him and explain to him how you feel abut all this.
I know you talk about how much you care for him and you at least owe it to yourself to talk to him and lay your feelings on the line about it. Sometimes us guys do stupid things for stupid reasons and don’t always think about the consequences; sad but true.
I hope things work out for you however you decide to go with this, neither way is easy but at this point it is the white elephant in the room so to speak.
Hugs from across the pond.
SouthernSir recently posted..Motivational Monday: Over-Motivated
Don’t go with stupid people, to stupid places to do stupid things. It never works.
Crap.
Wow.
I guess, ‘Please don’t’ is a bit of a passive aggressive one in a way. Please don’t do it, for me. Please let my wishes override yours – it seems like it’s such a female seesaw, somehow? If you love me you won’t…
Not that I don’t know exactly how you felt.
I think, for me, it comes down to a few simple questions.
Can you be with a man who occasionally does recreational narcotics? I don’t think the question is if you can dissuade him from doing so – only he can make that choice. Do you want to make him choose, and can you trust him if he says he’ll choose you?
There ARE people who do occasional narcotics, and are none the worse, really. It’s a legitimate request to ask that he never do them around you. Could you live with that? Would he agree? Or is it a bridge too far for you? Is it better to lose the relationship?
Tough questions. But… my gut says not to make it about ‘you didn’t choose me’. No good lies that way.
Jo recently posted..My Big Bumper Book Of Christmas Failures
First things first.I love your blog and being relatively new to it, I gobbled it up in a couple of evenings few weeks ago and have been following you ever since. Absolutely adore your journey through pain and pleasure (and sometimes a welcome mixture of both) to finally settling in happiness.
Secondly, I am not going to pearl clutch or judge here either way.
I am an occasional recreational drug taker and have been for years. Love a night with a line or two, or better, a bit of MDMA dancing away and losing myself. Yet, I can’t stand booze. Almost never drink, and seeing the effects of it, I know why. Yet, when I once alluded to my occasional recreational pursuit in a casual conversation at work, I was met with a wall of judgemental incredulity. By people who I have witnessed vomiting into their dessert at an office party, watched by a bunch of fellow drinkers so boozed up they were hardly conscious. I suppose what I am trying to say that people tend to be incredibly spooked by a line of coke (mostly when they had little or zero experience of drugs and a line of coke immediately translates to a tramp shooting up in a dirty alleyway and Charlie Sheen) consider it abnormal in the same way that I consider odd having five bucket sizes glasses of white wine and falling into the gutter outside a pub. Yet the latter is perversely more socially acceptable. Worlds colliding, right?
Tellingly, you juxtapose ‘man who told me he loved me all afternoon’ with him doing a line of coke. Does that negate the love? Hell no. He just did a line of coke. You recently talked about little voices. In this situation, purely from what you say, it seemed it wasn’t a little voice, it was more like a choir of them. So recognise what you are trying to project here. Your ex who did something similar (well, Ruf isn’t your ex-husband for starters, he is his own person), your kids (he is not your child either).
So, cheer up lovely Cake, have a chat to your man, tell him how you felt but without drama. Jo who commented before me is a voice of reason. Don’t make it about big choices. Make it reasonable. But who am I to tell you anyway!
Hugs x
Hey Toby, Print away.
This is a recent event.
Petunia, I think you’re right, he didn’t realise… I don’t think I did either
Lily, that was my first instinct but I don’t want to throw this away…
SouthernSir, there is a part 2 to this story and I preempted your advice. Communication is key x
Bamalady… the trouble is that he’s not stupid and that’s why I need to talk to him rather than just walk away.
Jo, I just didn’t know what to say when I saw his friend present the two lines. There were three guys and me, two of whom were partaking. It was more plaintive than anything else.
As you said, it’s a question of what questions need to be asked in the knowledge that I have to trust the answers. No point in asking a question that gives you an answer you cannot deal with.
And I definitely don’t want to go down the Me or Drugs route.
I had parents who agreed to each give up the thing they both loved the most because it irritated the other person – that did not remain a match made in heaven.
Phew, Lucilla, thank you! You see this is why I love blogging. I get to meet people with such a huge variety of experiences and tales to tell. You help me to see it from all sides and to analyse my own predispositions that come from the lifestyle I grew up with. Your background sounds far more like Ruf’s and I love the way you talk about the effects of alcohol. I am far more familiar with those excesses both personally and from the behaviour of those around me… which is why I would far rather have a nice cup of herbal tea on a night out.
Thank you for giving me perspective. As I said earlier, there is a part 2 which will deal with the conversation we had the morning after. I have learned from this blog and those experiences come to the fore when I have to deal with the crucial issues that occur within a relationship. It will never be totally without drama but it is always sadness rather than anger which motivates my emotions when we have to have such a discussion.
And the thought of giving up a man who has made me so happy 99% of the time…? Especially when he is always prepared to meet me more than half way in order to preserve our happiness.
So, lovely to meet you and my gratitude for your kind words and taking the time to comment on my predicament x
Thank you to everyone who took the time to leave a comment on this rather thorny issue. I don’t know what I would do without you all xxx
Way to go Cake! Rage without focus is never a strategy as someone once wisely said. Don’t react, respond. Glad my ramblings, however incoherent made sense. Love to you and the Ruffian xxx
I’m sure you’ve blogged about this at some point, so please forgive me for this question: do you two live together?
If you don’t, there’s a middle position: give yourself a little time and space to think about what’s happened. Take a week or two off from seeing him and see how you feel at the end.
I’ve had to deal with people with substance abuse issues — people who drank or used themselves out of jobs, relationships, homes. Eventually I came up with a set of rules for myself that kept me sane and safe. I can’t tell you if they’ll be useful to you or not, but here they are:
1. I don’t have to stay in a place where someone is drinking or using. I can leave.
2. I don’t have to help anyone do self-destructive things, or help someone keep drinking or using.
3. I don’t have to shut up about it.
Rule #1 was the hardest. Without realizing it I’d gotten into a set of habits that trapped me in a space with someone drinking or using. I’d get into *their* car, or let them visit *my* home (at which point, they wouldn’t leave unless I kicked them out). It was hard, but ultimately I stuck to A) always having my own transportation and B) meeting in public places or at their place (so I could leave).
#2 was incredibly easy to stick to. If someone asked me to buy alcohol, or make excuses for them, I’d just say, “I’m sorry but I won’t do anything that will help you be self-destructive.”
#3 was the weirdest. I’d grown up in an atmosphere where it was absolutely NOT OKAY to talk about bad things going on at home. To suddenly decide I didn’t need to shut up about bad things was a major mental shift. Once people realized that if they used and did something stupid that I would A) not act like it didn’t happen the next day and B) not lie if anyone asked me about what happened, well, guess what? The level of problematic behavior in my orbit dropped dramatically.
Be well. I’m sorry this is happening, it really sucks.
Joanna, I mailed you last night as I couldn’t comment on my phone – just to reiterate tat my comment was not meant to be condemnatory at ALL, just cautious, and I hope you didn’t read it that way. I totally understand your reaction, just fear it won’t have been so effective. I await part 2 eagerly, if that’s the right word!
Jo recently posted..My Big Bumper Book Of Christmas Failures
Lucilla, I have tried to learn the lessons of the previous relationship :) I shall pass on your greetings!
Lily, I do appreciate your counsel. Ruf and I do not live together and I did consider the option of saying do it when I’m not around. But that would just be a problem waiting to happen. I believe that this is a one off and, having lived close to alcoholism myself, he doesn’t exhibit the familiar tendencies. However, if it should become a problem, I would definitely follow your rules. Not speaking up is extremely important. I stayed silent with my father. And I watched my family remain similarly non communicative about my own anorexia. In many ways they are all self harm.
Jo, I didn’t get an email but I certainly didn’t view your comment as condemning in any way. I was very supported by it, thank you x
I’m late on this one, but I do have something to say concerning coke as a minor recreational drug. It can be just that. Not for everyone, but for many it is nothing more than a little bit of fun.
I personally had a battle with coke in the 80′s. It was something I couldn’t just have a bit of now or then. Just like alcoholism for some people.
Though I must say that alcoholism seems to destroy people much more often and thoroughly than cocaine addiction ever does.
My point is that for someone who is regularly around it doing a line of coke is not much different than having a martini.
If you had voiced your concerns in the same manner as you did in this situation over a single drink would it have been taken seriously?
When I say “Are you sure you need that glass of wine dear?” to my wife she knows I am having reservations about her having it, but I didn’t actually say “Don’t have that wine.”
If I did she would probably get a bit upset with me, but she would skip the wine and ask me what my reasons had been later.
I guess my point is that because you think of coke as something much different than what he most likely does your “please don’t” may have been taken as a very minor thing depending on your tone.
From all your previous posts about your interactions it is see him blatantly ignoring your plea without any care if he took it as a serious one.
Inferno recently posted..The sexiest blogs of 2011 – Always worth a read list
That last sentence didn’t come out correctly. That is what I get for trying to communicate when I am needing to be asleep.
Should have read something like…
From all your previous posts about your interactions it is seems it would be out of character for him to be blatantly ignoring your plea without any care if he took it as a serious one.
Inferno recently posted..The sexiest blogs of 2011 – Always worth a read list
Inferno, I do wonder if he even heard me – he was so drunk and I was so reticent about saying it. I am still struggling with my own feelings about a line of coke. I can’t decide if I am being po faced or just sensible…
LOL @ Inferno, it’s ok, I can read knackered :)