Clone A Pussy

With Valentine’s Day approaching, it would have been so lovely to be able to produce some vegan raw chocolate sweeties in the shape of that body part which Ruf so adores but, despite two attempts, Ruf and I never managed to make a mould with our Clone A Pussy kit – due to the neat, tidiness of my anatomical design.

The instructions tell you to straddle what is like a sort of trowel full of non-latex gunk and press your girly parts as deeply into the goo as you can manage.

Unfortunately, even though other bloggers of my acquaintance have managed this very successfully, my own groin is quite square and, even with the sides of the plastic trowel embedded as deeply into my flesh as pain would allow, I could still only manage to make a small dent in the mixture. It was nowhere near sufficient to enable a mould to be made of my constituent parts.

So, as usual, Ruf and I found ourselves being inventive. He lay me down and painted the white plaster between my legs, ensuring that it went slightly inside to take account of my hidden treasures.

The whole process is very time-dependent. You have to ensure that you mix the powder with water of exactly the right temperature for a very specific amount of time to get the correct consistency. This then has to be applied for another set period to achieve a mould. Next up, the mould needs to dry for a certain time frame before being filled with a silicone and flesh tone mix and left to set. Some time later, the result should be a perfect replica of a lady’s pride and joy.

Lying with the gunk seeping into my innermost recesses for several minutes, it was warm and moist – a bit like having a poultice applied. It was most therapeutic and I’m sure did wonders as an exfoliant.

Sadly, just before the crucial moment when setting should have occurred, we discovered the one problem with our adaptation of the instructions. The configuration of the area between any woman’s legs means that the white mess was on an almost perpendicular slant but we might have got away with it if we had applied our plaster more carefully. Unfortunately, there was a lump of excess hanging at the bottom and, as the mixture began to set, the weight began to drag on the material above.

A crack appeared. followed by a fissure and, despite my frantic attempts to hold it together, the whole structure was not solid enough in its pre-set state to withstand the pressure. It fractured into two pieces with the lowermost portion sliding southwards to land with a thud on the carpet.

Disconsolately, I sat up and picked through the debris. You could clearly make out the familiar individual nooks and crannies that make up the area from my pubis down to my perineum. Naturally, we set out to try to reconstruct – with the faint hope of being able to superglue the mould back together.

But it was not to be.

Instead, Ruf being Ruf, we went first to the bathroom to remove any remaining powdery bits and thence to bed.

Even if it didn’t work, we had a lot of fun trying and, at the end of the day, Ruf still has the real thing to play with – complete with all its prominences and apertures.

The important thing to remember about the Clone a Pussy is that, unlike its sibling, the Clone A Willy, it is not going to produce a life-size version of your partner’s ladybits that you can use as a substitute when she is out of town.

However, it is great fun and ideal for the man in your life on Valentine’s Day.