Cake or Coke

He rolled over and opened his eyes and looked up at me.

“Are you cross with me?”

After hours of pushing the dilemma around in my head, I wasn’t angry – just very very sad.

The tears of disappointment and uncertainty were still wet on my cheeks. Part of me had wanted to pack my things and wake him to say goodbye. But the better part had decamped to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and then returned to the warmth of the bed to mull things over.

The white lines of cocaine sat large in my memory, the first one an initial betrayal, the second to compound the decision… the third and fourth it became apparent that he did not even remember. But they all joined together to form one very large barrier to our future happiness.

The previous evening, he had introduced me to all his friends as his Missus with obvious pride and affection. I had felt so secure, so loved. Fast forward just a few hours to the depths of despair at his behaviour.

The idea that every time we went out with those friends who indulged, I would find myself having to justify my decision not to partake – and I don’t decry them for their own enjoyment – but I don’t want to be known as the party pooper.

Having said that, I cannot just change the stance of fifteen or more years when I told my own children not to get involved in drugs. And I don’t want to be with someone who feels the need to use narcotics – even if it’s only to prolong a night of partying. If I’m tired, it’s time for bed because things rarely get more fun once a party reaches a certain point. People just start getting silly.

So, instead of staying quiet and letting it fester, I told him about my unhappiness, my insecurity and my uncertainty about our future.

“So are you going to pack me in then?”

The little boy voice and the tears in his eyes at the prospect of a life without me rather took me aback. And the thought of that future filled me with alarm and sorrow. A world that didn’t include his soft voice making much of me, his warm arms around me, his penis inside me rejuvenating and making me whole. The confidence that his calm, grounded presence has given to my whole personality. It was too horrible to contemplate.

But I fear that I am not exciting enough for him. Too staid. That one day he will look at me and be bored.

Part of me wanted to extract promises that he would never indulge again but the better part sounded the alarm bells. To pressure someone into not doing something they enjoy is to try to change them in a way that will only ever come back and bite you on the bum in the bad times. I considered adding the proviso that my absence would provide such an opportunity but I did not want to give him tacit ‘permission’. It is not mine to give.

As I sat there pondering the best way forward, he reached out and pulled me down to him.

Looking into my eyes and with his nose touching mine, he whispered:

“You are so special and you mean the world to me. In the past I have promised to do things with no intention of keeping them, just to calm the waters. But with you, I mean it I love you.

“Last night I was more drunk than I have been in years and it was Tom’s birthday. I didn’t want to let him down. But I should have thought more about how you would feel about it.

“I used to say that you weren’t rock and roll enough for me when I was fighting my feelings for you because you couldn’t be my proper girlfriend. But I was wrong. Sexually we have shared more excitement than I have ever known and when you left your husband, it was like all the barriers between us had been removed and the floodgates of love that I had held back opened.

“We’re building a business, a life and a future together and that’s exciting and exactly what I want – what I want with you.

“You give me stimulation in ways nobody else has – history, cosy films, laughing, discussion and working on our relationship – these cannot be forgotten

“But most of all our loving and the thought of not having your head poking out of my duvet next to me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I would give anything, do anything to achieve that”