As soon as the Counsellor said those words, I could hear Frankie Valli in my head. I’m of that generation. I know it’s really Big Girls but, hey, it’s my mind and I’ll sing if I want to!
I kept trying not to cry and he kept saying that it was ok and proffering the tissue box. Why don’t I want to cry? Or, at least, not let myself in front of a stranger? But then I’ve always hidden my head in Ruf’s chest when I’ve been telling him about life in my world and things have got too much for me. I can remember the first time I cried in front of him. Big fat tears that just sort of squeezed out of my eyes. I wasn’t crying, just leaking… and desperately trying to retain and regain control.
When the Counsellor said that it is ok for big boys to cry, I instantly thought of Ruf, who will weep unashamedly at the sad points in a film, making me want to cuddle him and make much of him for not being afraid to show the softer side of his nature. The Counsellor went on to say that the ones that do cry are not wimps, but the ones who are the most confident in their masculinity. They’re hurting but they don’t feel that it is a reflection on their manhood to show the tears. They’re secure in the knowledge that they can look after themselves if some idiot does point and laugh at this supposed sign of weakness.
He kept saying: ‘It’s a fallacy that Big Boys don’t cry. It’s not weak to do so.’
But, for me, it was more than that. It was a loss of control in a public arena. Something that I have been brought up to avoid at all costs. In private, alone and isolated, I can shed the tears, vent the frustration, humiliation, anguish… but not with an audience. I need to keep my composure and not show that I have been hurt.
In the emotional maelstrom that surrounds me, I need to be in control of at least something. In days gone by, it would have been my food intake.
Maybe I should be grateful that the focus this time is on my tears.
But sometimes it all just becomes too much and, despite my best efforts, even the presence of the Counsellor cannot stop my eyes from filling and a few drops overflowing.
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