I often find myself thinking about that baby… that time.
It can be the most unlikely things that trigger the memory… and sometimes the most obvious.
Visiting Bodies Revealed, there was a section on the development of the foetus and this was illustrated by four glass jars containing examples of what a baby would like at various stages of gestation. If you looked carefully, you could see the deformity that had caused them to be aborted.
The first example was at 14 weeks gestation.
I had my termination at 9 weeks.
I know that, at that stage, the baby was recognisable as such, because I have seen pictures on the internet. But also because I saw its image on the scanning screen. 
It was not one of the super duper scanners which can show huge amounts of detail, but enough to be able to see the undeniable shape of a baby as it rolled and kicked and turned and twisted like a dervish. It was so energetic (and I am so thin) that, even at 9 weeks, it could kick hard enough to cause the lady holding the scanning device against my belly some problems retaining her grip.
I have to admit that the contents of that first jar made me falter.
I looked at Ruf and didn’t know whether to say anything. That period of our relationship was upsetting for him too. However, it is not something that we never talk about. That’s the beauty of what we have together now. We try not to have ‘stuff’ that we hide under the carpet. We endeavour to find ways to be open about everything that upsets us, as well as anything that makes us incredibly happy.
He bought a book recently called ‘The Mastery of Love’, which has been instrumental in helping us to work through any issues that we have with ourselves and with each other. He has been reading me a chapter each night over the telephone as a bedtime story and, as a result, our relationship has grown even stronger.
We are learning how to communicate. Finding out what makes us happy as individuals, rather than placing our happiness in the hands of another and making that person responsible for it. We are discovering that two contented singles make a far more solid partnership.
I have stopped being afraid to speak out. I have changed the habits of a lifetime. The behaviour that contributed to the failure of my marriage.
I no longer hold things in and repress.
So, I whispered: ‘It makes me think of our baby.’
But he knew that already. He moved closer, put his arm around me and squeezed me tightly against him. He let me talk about what I had seen on that screen and how this was affecting me. How I remember the man between my legs saying ‘one last go’ as he vacuumed my womb to ensure that nothing more remained and then checked the container to ensure that everything was in there.
Seeing that foetus in the glass jar brought all that back to me. How the masochistic part of me wanted to look in that receptacle and see the debris also.
Ruf can never make it feel alright. Never stop the sharp pain and the guilt when I think about what I did. But he will always allow me to tell him, even though it hurts him too and might not be something that he wants to hear.
And, despite all that, what I know, more than anything, is that I’m glad I listened to my gut instinct and asked the scan operator to turn the screen so I could see my baby.
As we passed through the exhibition, I said a silent prayer for all those malformed children and a special one for my own – the statistics said the odds were stacked against him and that he would be like them.
Seeing him that day, I will always wonder.
And always know that, with all the other constraints, I just could not take the risk.
This made me cry . (It is a subject very close to the bone for me) and sorry is such a pointless word but it is the only thing I can say. It made me happy though that you and Ruf are building something so solid and beautiful.
always,
B.
I just felt that it was something I had to share because too many women just try to bury it, letting it cause subterranean emotional damage x
You have bravely broached a topic so many find so sensitive. I think the majority of your comments will be supportive and I am hoping no one will visit to use comments to be judgmental. Living with pain is never an easy thing, and sharing with another person is truly difficult on several levels. I’ll give kudo’s to Ruf for being supportive and letting you be you to the best of his ability.
Hello and Thank you. Last Friday, there was a special day in the States all about ‘Trusting Women’. Trusting them to do the right thing, including making a decision over abortion. I wanted people to know that such a decision is never taken lightly and the repercussions and mental recriminations stay with you.
The last time I posted about it, I think I switched comments off because I was concerned about getting into the ethics of it. I still dont want to talk about that, everyone has their views and these can become very entrenched. I am lucky enough to live in a country where, when I needed a termination, I was able to get one and have it paid for on the NHS. I feel for my sisters in other countries where that option is not available to them.
My Friend,
You know that I support you in ALL things!
Many Hugs and Much Love to you and Ruf!
Thanks Polar
I am feeling your hurt Joanna.
I have walked in shoes similar to yours.
I too had an abortion, but for very different reasons.
I still wonder … probably always will.
I think it’s very endearing and lovely that Ruf reads to you every night over the phone. It put a huge smile on my face.
You both work on your relationship while growing together and becoming closer.
It’s what we all strive for.
Big hug to you Blaze x
We’re trying not to repeat past mistakes. Whether it will work or not, only time will tell. But, if we don’t put every effort into it, then what’s the point?
Aw, Sugar…I’se hurtin’ fer ya’ –an millions more women who share a similar memory and wonder…thank God ya’ can talk it out an’ not suppress yore thoughts. Delighted to know Ruf is able to listen an’ be a comfort. Would hug ya iffin’ I could.
Thanks, Aunty. Too much suppression and repression. Too little focus on the emotional anguish in favour of the physical practicalities. He was part of it and he is there for me x
I know exactly what you mean about those triggers. Nineteen and a half years later, I still have them regularly (though not as frequent). I’m glad I didn’t have a visual, though. My 20 year old nephew does serve as a reminder (he was just 3 months old when I aborted mine.) And every one of his birthdays reminds me I would have a child just a year younger.
How wonderful indeed that Ruf supports you. And the reading to you? Aw, shucks, that is just too adorable and lovely.
Big hug, Kyra x Somehow I think your visual reminder would be even worse for me.
Ruf is such a sweetie. He doesn’t even get cross when he realises that I’ve fallen asleep :)
Incredibly brave post – thank you for it.
Thanks Kimberly x
I have no idea what it feels like to have an abortion, as I haven’t had one, but I have heard that the pain never goes away. My heart goes out to you. It is so amazing to have a man you can talk to that can understand what you are going through and can give you a hug when you need it, you are a lucky girl!
Krazy, Sometimes I have to pinch myself. He’s not completely perfect, of course, but he’s pretty special x
You and Ruf are lovely together. Big hug.
Aw, thank you x
It takes courage to open up about these things. Regardless of the reasons behind it, there’s still a lot of stimga and stereotyping attached to abortion. It’s very empowering to see you be open and honest, even though it still hurts you. Thanks for the writing!
Hey Bunny, I think that, with all these things, if you actually focus on the people, rather than on the morality, it is far harder to make a hard and fast decision on your feelings about these matters. And the more we talk about individual scenarios, the easier that becomes
Thank you for sharing this. More of us need to talk about it, because we’re not alone.
I do want to ask– were you required to look at the ultrasound before having the abortion? I know that some states make women do that, and I think it’s pretty cruel. When I had mine, I was not shown the image on the screen, and would not have wanted to look. I think it would have been too hard.
Was it a personal choice to see it before aborting? Or something that you were made to do?
And are you glad that you saw it, or would you rather have not?
Hey Britni! The one thing that hits home every time I talk to someone else who’s had a termination is that there is so much repressed pain. It’s as if we’ve somehow conditioned ourselves into thinking we’re to do this thing and then forget about it. Never speak of it again. But, for a lot of women, there is a sense of bereavement. It was not a decision taken lightly and we know exactly what it is that we have done. In any other situation, there would be counselling afterwards, but we’re supposed to walk away and behave as if nothing momentous has happened.
The system in the UK is incredibly kind, no one would have forced me to see the baby that I was about to terminate on the screen. They keep the monitor facing well away from the patient. In fact, the ultrasound lady kept asking me if I was sure, when I asked her if she would turn the screen towards me.
It was the right thing to do for me. I knew it at that moment and I know it now. I wanted the full horror of what I was doing. Perhaps as some type of punishment but also because I could feel my baby moving and it just seemed wrong to turn my back and pretend it didn’t really exist.
Circumstances meant that I had no anaesthesia either. I felt everything and it was more painful than I could ever describe. But, in many ways, that was good. It helped my skewed brain to deal with it all better. It hurt me just as much as it was hurting him, mentally and physically.
When I think about my baby now, I can see him in my head – what I saw on the screen gave him a physical entity and I can mourn that. Somehow, it makes it easier to deal with than just a vague and ghostly might-have-been.
I hope that makes sense.
Joanna x
dang
getting info to put at places makes me read..and i know i joke around about so many things.
My first had an abortion. She never did tell me straight out. The gal that took her was the same gal she helped through it because she knew a divorce was imminent.
I didn’t realize that when her girlfriend was telling me about the event that she was also hinting at the other outcome.
I’m going to quit for tonight..
I’ll get back on it tomorrow after I paint a picture.
I’m ever so sorry for your time and ever so happy you have someone to help you.
Somehow I knew it was something like this. Not the drivel that oozes from the mouths of FOX “news” as it were.
Dang.
Now i’m crying….
Joanna,
I’ve waited a long time to comment on this, mostly because I try not to think about it most days, and on the whole succeed. But last night once again I had dreams of newborns and it reminded me again of you.
Like you, I had a termination at 9 weeks, with no anaesthetic, with a man who was not my partner, a man who was also very talented at undermining me and my sense of self, to the extent that I wound up on antidepressants. The only details which differ are that the father-who I am now with, but in the most vague sense of the term- can’t really talk about it, and unlike you I had no friend to confide in, being to scared to admit that I was having an affair, that I was pregnant and finally that I was killing my baby.
It’s been three months now since it happened, and for now I am fine. It’s the future I worry about. The week it would have been due. If I ever fall pregnant again. I don’t feel guilty, I just feel sad.
I just wanted to thank you for everything you have written about your experiences- the sadness, the pain emotional and physical. Because of your blog posts, I don’t feel alone.
Sorry to comment on your post and so bring it up again, I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am.
CC
CC, Thanks for having the courage to comment. It’s early days for you yet. Those pregnancy hormones take a while to work their way out of the body and so it will take a while to regain your equilibrium. I don’t think we ever forget, we just learn to cope with it and it does scab over so that the pain is less raw x