Anorexia Rehab

"anorexia-rehab"It was a strange day.

Damp and drizzly with the prospect of an hour in Church coming face to face with God for the first time since I walked away from the vows I had made, followed by the cremation and tears. Not the sort of day anyone would really relish.

Add in my impending homelessness and the fact that one of my toes had swollen up to twice it’s normal size through some fungal complaint that is directly related to stress… none of these things is conducive to a healthy appetite.

In my new-found independence, I hadn’t taken account of the huge role played by my flat in giving me a solid foundation from which to build. This unforeseen insecurity has knocked me for six. I don’t like uncertainty at the best of times but not knowing where I’m going to be living in six weeks time…

I’m a very proactive person. I don’t tend to sit back and think it through, I want answers and I want them now. If these are not forthcoming, things start to ferment inside my head causing a thick soup of fog that clouds my better judgement. With dire consequences.

It’s all very well saying that I am no longer anorexic but my mind has other ideas. It’s not that I physically stop myself from eating, more that I don’t feel hungry.

I know that I should eat but, if I try, it doesn’t taste of anything. I just go through the motions of chewing and swallowing – there is no real pleasure in it or indeed incentive to think of food. And, without Ruf to physically cook the food and put it on the plate in front of me…? Well, it’s a slippery slope.

I guess the one good thing is that I can recognise the problem and write about it. Force myself to acknowledge and own the fact that I am not cured at all – only in rehab.

I was reading about true anorexia rehab and this is dealt with in three stages – treatment of the physical effects of not eating enough, counselling to help ascertain the psychological cause and then working with a dietician to develop a proper eating plan. I had hoped I had accomplished all three and was well on the way to normality, but the truth is that I will probably never be fully recovered.

This mental illness will lurk in the darkest recesses of my mind, no matter how hard I try to root it out. Waiting to strike when I am emotionally unstable. But I cannot live my life with a guarantee that things will always go according to plan.

I have to accept that shit happens and learn to deal with such upsets more productively.

Originally posted 2011-01-07 12:13:10. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

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7 thoughts on “Anorexia Rehab”

  1. From my understanding of addiction — and I am a certified addications counsellor — anorexia isn’t in its pathology much different from an addiction like alcoholism. We aren’t cured per se, but we get a daily reprieve and we have the tools to continue with that path should we so choose. I know that you will. I have infinite faith in you because you know how it works.

  2. But recognising what your responses to stress are, and being aware that that is what’s happening – well… it has to help a bit, I hope.

    Try bathing your toe in water with tea tree oil and grapefruit seed extract – they work wonders for me. Also Sh’Zen anti fungal foot deodorant has been wonderful, but I think you’d have to find it online somewhere.

    I wish I had better advice – I eat more in times of stress and sadness, not less, sadly… though, less nutriciously also. Cooking properly for one is a real challenge at any given time, I find.


  3. MrW, That’s also become my interpretation. I am an addict and it fits in with other OCD type behaviour that anorexics tend to exhibit. You have no idea how many times I have to check the gas before I leave the house… :)

    PS Thank you for your faith x

  4. Jo, I was using a tea tree oil solution but it only stopped the itching for a while. Am using Lamasil currently which does control the itching, providing I can keep my foot cool. I finish the treatment tomorrow and it does look much better than it did but still not good. I shall give it a few days without the cream and, if there is no improvement, return to the doctor. But I will seek out the graprefruit seed extract . I am also seeing my acupuncturist this week so hopefully that will help too.

  5. For various reasons I have read a lot about anorexia and most sources seem to say that the cause is almost always a controlling mother, either currently or in the past.

    Anorexia is a form of self harm similar to cutting, and the motivation seems to be the same: a person, almost always a woman feeling controlled by an overbearing mother, feels she has no control over her life and choices, and therefore harms her body as she feels that’s the only thing she can have control over.

    The addiction is to the feeling of being however limitedly in-control having done a choice nobody can take away.

  6. Hi whatNew. Interesting and you made me think!

    I certainly don’t remember my mother as being controlling. And, as the mother of a ‘cutting’ daughter, I would like to think that I was not controlling either. In fact, if anything both myself and my daughter are more likely to have been the products of controlling fathers… Just because a man seems wonderful to everyone else and isn’t overtly aggressive, it does not mean that they are not pulling the strings of those around them through other behaviour.

    With Best Wishes
    Joanna x

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